Indians beware; Last week I received a long message from one of my Facebook friends asking me to address the issue of lack of romance among Indian men in Kenya. This is just but part of the text.

‘Hi Cavine, would you please mind addressing this issue of Indians exhibiting great mannerlessness in their absurd attempts to procure some time out with us ladies. Oh please... I donno how to put this dear but these guys are just outrageously nauseating. Imagine they send you a friend request... The minute you accept it, they’ve posted on your wall ‘Thank you love for accepting'... They then send you a message inbox ‘hi’. Take a minute before you respond and you’ll get five of his messages followed by some love emoji. By the time you reply ‘hi too’ the guy shall have sent about 3 nude pictures of himself....really? Please tell these Kenyan guys that women are not desperate, I feel like deactivating my account.....”

Trust me, this is just but one of the millions of Kenyan social media users complaining about these Indians’ behavior. I therefore set myself out to get to the bottom of this. I created an account in the name of Ciru Mya; I chose the Kikuyu name because of the appetizing nature of these women from Central Kenya who keep Kenyan men awake in their trousers the whole day because of their outstanding beauty and curvaceous nature that keeps salivation real....back to my story.

I searched for some photos of a Ghanaian lady model and planted it there as my profile picture. Profile... I studied at Limuru girls, pursued BA Fashion and design at USIU and currently self-employed... I’m in an open relationship... Find friends you may know... I send a friend request to one of my buddies, it’s a social test, and I’d also want to test the difference between him and the Indians. So the first mistake you don’t need to make is accepting the friend request of an Indian guy because the next minute you’ll be having 30 friend requests, which adds up to 300 friend requests in a single day when you fail to respond to them.

The requests come in faster than the tweets in Jeff Koinang'es bench show, it’s disgusting.  A guy then sends you a message, if you take some bit of time to respond he sends you flowers, confesses he loves you, by the time you respond to the greetings ‘hi too’, the produce of the garden of Eden has been sent to your inbox with questions like...”You like it?” While still wondering what’s wrong with this dude, a nude s** video is sent to you with a message “Me and you, me love that”. So as a ‘lady’ I get pissed off and ask the dude to stop it, they don’t get that language. What I didn’t know is that I was receiving almost the same texts with these absurd images from other Indians whom I had accepted their requests. So I become smarter... Google... pics of a guy popping in latrine.... Google is generous, I get lots of them. I send these to every sender of the messages. This is their dawa. They get pissed off and quit sending their texts.

So let me talk to the Indians. We are aware of the kind of foods you guys take including the notorious red pepper. The foods you take are hot but are not a reflection of the same when it comes to your physique and behavior of some of you. Kindly, one of the ways to earn respect from Kenyan ladies is learning how to ask for things including those things that I wish not to mention. Yes, your foods might make you go high faster than a whirlwind dust but that doesn’t mean these ladies go high as fast as you do, control your speeds in attacking verbally since you never know... You might talk and bore too much that by the time a lady gives in to your demands you might find yourself only left with the energy to correct your mistakes.

So Indians beware that we are watching, we might create a forum to educate you on how to handle yourself on social media when it comes to romance soon if you act in a way likely to suggest that you are addicted to rigidity to change. I rest my case as I check into my inbox, I now have 426 messages from my Indian friends, I have to deactivate this account if I don’t want to suffer from situational depression. These guys I bet can make a woman undergo Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder