Yes, some sperms are 'more equal' than others

Some ‘forward travellers’ are women who move from one town to another, getting different babies with different fathers every two years – but still pretend they are single and childless.

This is because single moms these days mostly stay slim. But go to the 26-year-old’s mom’s house in Kayole and you’ll find three boys aged two, four and six, na sura zao zote ni different. And the ‘forward traveller,’ having gotten offspring from three different towns she has lived in – Mombasa, Eldoret and Kisumu – is now in Nairobi, trying to trap some chap into marriage/commitment/babies, by pretending she is an unsullied virgin.

So to answer Itindi Wanga from last week, as she runs amok in our court now that I am away in Bavaria (in much more peaceful surroundings that remind me of the days before she moved in), not all ‘sperms’ are equal, even as you cry foul and wail for maintenance and upkeep at the Children’s Court.

It is my duty to be brutally candid, and enlighten forward travellers like Wanga not just how the male mind thinks, but how the world works in Mars (now that we were told women come from Venus, thus making man and woman two entirely different species, and it does seem so sometimes).

Think of it as different films, folks.

Too Legit to Quit

This film features a man and woman, probably even married, who bring forth their offspring. Everyone knows them as a family, and calls him ‘Baba Watoto’ and her ‘Mama Watoto.’ No drama here.

Adopted/Baggage

In this film a man falls for a woman who already has ‘issues’ from a previous relationship. If the film has a happy ending, he adopts them as his own. And if not, he considers them ‘baggage.’ Garbage begins.

Love Child

Two people have an often passionate affair, or whatever, or it’s a mistress, and there is a secret child, beloved by both parents but hidden from the world. Wills, testimonials and African burial battles often unearth these ones.

Sperm Donors

One actually has to raise a hat to these heartless women. They clinically identify a chap with good genes, lure him to bed, and once they get pregnant, dump the chap to raise the child on their own.

Accidental Seed

This film features lots of burst prophylactics, periods unknown, and people in their late 40s shocked that they are going to be parents again, yet their current last born is a sulky girl going to secondary school.

The Wild Oats

Travellers come and go, and some leave their mark in places where they have visited. Obama Senior’s offspring are to be found in Kenya, Germany and America. And there is a fellow I know, let’s call him Leo from Western, who has a toi in Kakamega, Kisumu, Kericho, Kerugoya, Kitui and Kilifi. That’s what one calls a seasoning traveller, sowing his wild oats all over Kenya.

Children of a Lesser Gonad

That is where some foolish man makes someone of inferior social status, say the domestic help or tea lady, preggers. Many Kenyan MPs are in court for this ‘crime.’

Bait/Trapped

If you find yourself starring in this film, just know you are in a horror. Some mamas out there are out to trap a man for money via getting a child. Bas, kama drama kama video!

Mistaken Identity

A man brings up a child as his own only for DNA or something to accidentally show ‘mwana si wako.’ Drama galore! Because when blood isn’t your blood … there will be blood.