Forget the backside, life-changing stuff will get you noticed

By Njoki Kaigai | Sunday, Sep 9th 2018 at 00:00
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Women do have interesting ways of creating hype and attention about their issues and last month, some of them used rather interesting ways to make us see their point of view. To start with, we had a certain nominated senator who told us that she should only travel business class owing to the size of her posterior.

Rumour has it that it is the same Nominated Senator who shared selfies of her endowments as she frolicked and freeloaded on the taxpayers’ tab during the World Cup in Russia.

My simple understanding of politics informs me that those who access the corridors of power through nomination are often considered to be slightly lower in the pecking order since they have failed in roughing it and winning in the bruising political contests.

Therefore, one would hope that they would justify their through pass by demonstrating their mettle perhaps by choosing to discuss important national issues like fiscal policy and development instead of discussing trivialities like backside cellulite and adipose deposits.

Let me start off by setting the record straight - every woman should have a backside, should love her backside and if she has none she is at liberty to deploy all manner of tricks to create illusions of owning one.

Impossible Size Zero

A woman’s backside is central to her femininity especially when it is cased in the right garments and being carried around atop the right pair of heels.

It is encouraging that women this part of the world have abandoned the impossible Size Zero ambitions and are now embracing all their curves. However, it is my view that some people such as the nominated senator are taking this curvy business too far and flirting with unhealthy obesity under the guise of plus is in. Before a woman starts demanding special treatment for her super-sized assets, she needs to get the real deal on her backside. This means conducting a full appraisal of her derriere’s acreage, contouring, positioning and gradient. Sometimes mirrors can be deceptive, so women are advised to deploy the services of a good tape measure, and a well-positioned photograph to provide a full and accurate representation of reality.

It is advisable that women deploy services of a brutally honest friend (or lover), or videographer - to ascertain the viscosity of the cellulite just by watching how the behind moves, wobbles or waddles. Most male connoisseurs of behinds will tell you that it comes to buxom behinds, there is a very thin line between eye candy and eye sore.

Plus size women are notoriously risqué when it comes to their wardrobe choices, often with dire visual consequences. Some are diehard believers in tights and so use every opportunity to stuff themselves into the convenient world of tights. Unfortunately, tights are not necessarily always slimming.

In fact, they are rather unforgiving in exposing all the sins, shortfalls and dimples of thighs and buttocks. The brighter the colour of the tights the more unforgiving they are when it comes to showing where the defects lie. Yes, I do agree that body confidence counts for a lot but let us just say not all massive behinds were made for tights and tightness.

Most women will say that they love being big - because big is a function of their genes and is the preferred choice for their men. But many big women will hide the fact that many times they do wish they were slightly smaller because when a woman gets too big it complicates a lot of things. When a woman’s backsidegrows beyond a certain threshold, it become a bit harder for her to do feminine stuff like strutting her stuff in high heels or wearing dresses that make men drool with lust and women green with envy.It is really a disservice to the female because many big women who have let things go south resort to wearing tent like garments which hide all the glorious juicy femininity.

Most us are familiar with how big women like to deflect the agility and health concerns - they are the masters of deploying self-deprecating humour, bitchiness, false bravado to mask the fact that most of what is on their weight scale has a lot to do with their life choices - what they like to eat and their failure to exercise. Some like the senator approach making grand diva demands to hide the obvious fact that if they moved a little more and ate a little less they would head for the parliamentary gym instead of asking overburdened taxpayers to cough out more money for business class seats.

Speaking of Parliament and speaking of women, a few weeks ago some honourable women parliamentarians chose to wear some white headscarves to bring attention to the two-third gender rule.

While I support affirmative action for women, I sometimes feel that women spend more time on theatrics and drama instead of hitting the men when it comes to getting real action.

The headscarves looked bad and made the lovely MPs look like they belonged to an ancient cult. More importantly, they delivered no tangible results - save for a few snide remarks from the gents. If women want to be taken seriously they need to do some life changing stuff, not wear bandanas to curry favour or demand business class seats when they are to blame for bursting the weighing scale. I think women have fought too hard to get where they are today so I see no need for them to allow backsides and headgear to overshadow their real issues.



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