The pressure of 'perfect parenting' on social media

The pressure of 'perfect parenting' on social media (Photo: iStock) Parenting today looks vastly different from the past, when raising a child was a shared responsibility supported by a strong community. Now, many parents are facing the journey alone, under the added weight of social media pressures and isolation. Every day, mothers scroll through Facebook, Instagram or TikTok, where they see other parents sharing photos of happy children, spotlessly clean homes and perfectly laid tables. These posts often only show the good side of parenting, making it look easy and enjoyable. But behind the scenes, many mothers are tired and overwhelmed, silently comparing themselves to what they see online. They begin to feel like they're not doing enough, or doing things wrong. The concept of the 'perfect parent' has been exacerbated by social media and for many, it is causing stress, guilt and loneliness. The cost of education is another source of pressure for millennial mums. A 2023 survey conducted by WorldRemit revealed that the mean expenditure of a Kenyan parent on a child enrolled in school amounts to Sh68,701 per annum. This figure can be even higher in cities such as Nairobi or Mombasa, with projections suggesting that middle-class families spend upwards of Sh221,904.23 per year. According to a 2022 study by the International Labour Organization (ILO), women in Kenya bear a disproportionate burden of childcare responsibilities, limiting their career advancement opportunities. A 2023 report by BabyCenter revealed that nearly 80 per cent of millennial mums in the US felt it's important to be the "perfect mum," compared to 70 per cent of Gen X moms. Social media further amplifies this pressure, with curated portrayals of seemingly effortless motherhood. An online survey by Impulse Research found that 53 per cent of mothers considered taking a break from social media, with younger moms aged 18 to 24 expressing a desire to reduce time spent on platforms like Facebook and Instagram. Another study, published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies, examined the pressure parents feel to meet the standards of 'perfect parenting' and its effect on their involvement with their children. Mothers reported feeling more societal pressure to be perfect parents than fathers did; those under more pressure tended to overprotect their children. During adolescence, striking the right balance between nurturing and letting go becomes more difficult yet more critical. "In the past, parenting was for everyone. Now, you're your own parent, your own child," says Doris Ongeri, a Nairobi resident and mother. "Today's world doesn't care if your child is messing up. You can even witness someone's child being beaten unjustly in public and no one will step in. That's how much things have changed." Doris paints a clear contrast between how she was raised and how she's raising her own daughter, now in university. "When we were young, your neighbour could scold or discipline you if you were out of line. That sense of collective responsibility kept us grounded. You wouldn't dare misbehave in public because you knew any adult could report or punish you." Today, Doris sees that discipline slipping. "Now, the so-called Gen Zs and Alphas, your own child can refuse to listen to you. They're exposed to so much information and influence online. And social media? It has taken over parenting." Doris doesn't frequently post her children online. "I rarely do. I don't really support parenting on social media, but it's happening. Every parent is doing what works for them, I guess. But I choose privacy." She recalls receiving unsolicited comments when her daughter started posting on TikTok. "Someone wrote, 'Your daughter is getting spoiled,' just because of her dress code. But let me ask - are dresses really the problem? I know people who dress modestly but have the worst character. Let children express themselves. I trust my daughter. If a comment bothers me, I just block the person." Winnie Alando, a 34-year-old mother of a 12-year-old daughter, says parenting in the digital age requires intentionality and open communication. "There's no manual for parenting now," she says. "When we were growing up, we had structure. Now, our children have phones and access to information we never dreamed of. They're informed, opinionated and vocal." Winnie believes in positive discipline, a contrast to the punishment-based system of previous generations. "We don't just cane our children blindly. We explain what they did wrong and teach them the right way to do things. If I take away her favourite toy or deny her screen time, I make sure she understands why." According to Winnie, communication is key. "We don't shout at children. We talk to them. That builds confidence and respect." She's also a big advocate for teaching children about sexuality early, before they learn it from strangers on the internet. "You can't just say 'sex is bad.' Explain why. Let them understand the consequences. These are important conversations that should come from the parent." Winnie doesn't mind posting her daughter online because she has set boundaries. "She's a model and artist. I post her art and her modelling. But we are careful about how she dresses and what she shares. So far, I've never received inappropriate comments." However, she warns other parents to be cautious. "When you start seeing suggestive or uncomfortable comments on your child's post, take that seriously. The internet can be unsafe. Predators are out there. If you need to stop posting for your child's protection, do it." To Olive Oudu, a 34-year-old mother of three and a healthcare professional in Kisumu, the biggest shift in parenting is that parents now seek guidance online. "Back then, if you were struggling with parenting, you'd talk to your mother, an aunt, or a trusted neighbour," she says. "Now, we turn to influencers and online trends. People are trying to replicate what they see online without understanding that each child is different." She says today's parents are pressured to copy what's trending: how to discipline, what to feed your child, how to decorate the nursery, even how to dress your child for likes. Olive deliberately keeps her children off social media. "I don't post them. I also limit their TV time. The internet doesn't forget and bullying is real. What seems harmless today might haunt them in the future." Her concern goes beyond privacy. As a healthcare provider, she has seen firsthand how too much screen exposure affects children's development. "Some children imitate everything they see on cartoons, but struggle to hold a conversation. We call that digital-induced autism. It's real." She urges parents to get back to basics. "Let children play outside. Let them explore, engage and create. Gadgets can wait." Mental health expert and psychologist Mary Kiragu explains how social media is silently reshaping our view of ourselves as parents and not necessarily for the better. "Social media has created a polished image of parenting," she says. "Everything looks perfect: happy babies, clean homes, smiling parents. But that's not real life. That's a highlight reel." Mary sees many parents, especially mothers, fall into the trap of comparison. "They scroll through Instagram and feel like failures. One mother told me, 'I saw this woman making healthy organic food while I was struggling to feed my kids cereal.' It's heartbreaking." This kind of comparison can lead to comparison fatigue, creating a cycle of self-doubt, anxiety and burnout. "Unlike our mothers, who had physical support systems, today's parents are isolated. Many don't have the village anymore. They turn to Facebook groups and influencers but those spaces can be toxic, especially if they're promoting perfection." Mary warns that posting too much about your child can open the door to unwanted attention. "You may think it's innocent, but predators are watching. Children who post provocative dances or photos, even unknowingly, can attract dangerous people." She adds, "Children under 16 don't need social media handles. They're too young to handle that kind of exposure. Parents should be aware of who their children are talking to online." "For a solution, unfollow accounts that make you feel inadequate. Limit screen time. Replace that scrolling time with real connection with your child, partner and friends." Mary suggests returning to some lessons from the past: "Trust your instincts. You don't need a parenting blog to tell you when your child is hungry or upset. Just be present." She also recommends device-free meals and family check-ins. "Use dinner time to talk, not to watch TV. Ask how their day was. Listen." There's no denying it, parenting today is different. Social media, for all its advantages, has added pressure, comparison, and confusion to what was already one of life's most challenging roles.

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