Things you don't know about women

Men are so clueless about their women that it hurts. Favourite colour? Bra size? Shoe? Birthday? Anniversary? Drink? Pads or tampons? No idea!

They know zilch about their wives, including dirty secrets that could kill them. But because a man was not created to know, find out, smell or get a hint about something, he'd remain in the dark for as long as he lives.

Women hide money. Literally, yes. Every woman has a secret bank account that her husband knows nothing about. As you give money for school fees, projects, electricity and water bills, not all of it goes to the intended purpose. Even those chamas. She might tell you of one, but believe it or not, she is in 7 other small ones whose money you'll never live to see. This gives a woman some sense of financial security because they are taught by their mothers to always have their own monies in case things fall apart.

Women need also reassurance, just like they need air to breathe. Every other time, daily, they need to be reminded how beautiful they are, and how much they are loved. Random dinner dates out of town, chocolates and flowers make them feel loved and appreciated. Those small acts of love, appreciation, sexting all day and stuffing bars of chocolate under the pillow rekindle the old love and brings back the little girl in them.

And oh yes! We love to win arguments just for the sake of winning. Women can argue with you about nothing - like why you need to unbutton your shirt before taking it off and why you should press toothpaste evenly from its end. Most of the time it's just for fun. Let her win all arguments if you want to be safe before she slaps you with evidence or decides to sulk the day away into the bedroom. You know what this means.

I know this one might shock a number of you, but do you know a woman can fake an orgasm to massage her man's ego? If she is so much into you, and in the last two episodes you never got her to Cloud 9, she'd fake it the 3rd time to make you feel good. So never walk head high out there thinking about the screams she made over Valentine's. It is all a game, baby - for your own good.

When she's not in the mood for sex, don't force her into it. Women are naturally emotional creatures and it takes a whole lot of stuff; sexts, gifts, assurance and psychological security to be in the mood for sex. Your sex drive might be up there, but she's here thinking about kids, chama, her mother... And while we are on this subject, stop jumping on her as he goat on heat! Foreplay, hello?

Also, your woman fantasizes about other attractive men that she knows or has come across. She even does when you two are making out. Some wives have sex toys that they use when alone, while others take the law into their own hands. She wishes she'd use the sex toys when with you, but you're bloody Africans! Not that you don't satisfy her sexually, maybe you do, maybe not. But "self-help" relaxes her mind in a way she only knows.

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And, this might cut deep, but when you two aren't having enough sex and she hasn't complained and is always happy and bubbly, dude, she is happily cheating. You have an assistant. Case closed. Women love sex, don't lie to yourself that the three minutes once per week is enough for her. For a healthy woman, good sex can never be enough!

And oh... memory. A woman can remember something you did or said to her in 1867! The arguments, disagreements and fights from day one. Interestingly, she rarely mentions the flowers and chocolates you bought her. But that is life.

Now this is important. When, during an argument, she tells you to do what you want, brother, don't. Don't! She means to do that at your own risk. And when she's mad at you, don't force her to talk to you. Let her stew. But don't grovel at her feet. Money works just fine!

Lastly, when your woman is unusually silent, there is a storm inside her head. Especially if you did something really gross that hurt her feelings and she acted calm, be very worried. A silent woman is a dangerous human. She might just explode the next minute. Women like talking, screaming and shouting. If she is silent when she is supposed to be loud.