A man can't fake enthusiasm, romance

Hi Chris,

To begin with, my husband and I were intimate all the time. And I loved it, both emotionally and physically. But gradually we started to make love a lot less, and the romance in our relationship slipped away. Worse still, I just do not seem to enjoy lovemaking nearly as much as I did. My husband does not ask me so often, and he seems to have forgotten how to please me. And I do not seem to be able to find the right words to tell him what I need! Can you help?

Frustrated Wife

Hi Frustrated Wife!

Your husband does need feedback to help him please you. But being positive is better than criticising, and show is better than tell.

So try not to use words at all. Instead, guide him. Take his hands and put them where you want. If he is not touching you right, put your fingers on his so he understands what you want.

Your mood and his probably do not match like they once did, and so he feels uncertain about approaching you. It is probably hard for you to understand just how sensitive your husband can feel about that. So long as he is confident of your underlying feelings, he will keep trying.

But for him to become aroused, he has to feel that if he takes the initiative you will say 'Yes!'. So when he has been turned down a few times, he will start to lose his desire. He won't know why, it is an unconscious thing, but it will go.

And once a man's desire is gone, it is hard to get it back. Even when you are keen. The trouble is that a man cannot fake enthusiasm! Either he is eager too, or it is clear he is not going where it is at. And if a man says he is not interested in sex, he means it. Words no longer work. So complaining is no good at all.

Instead, you need to use an indirect approach. Silent signals that show when you are in the mood. They are personal because everyone is different, so you will have to invent your own. Try getting into bed just as nature intended. Or wear a T-shirt and nothing else. While flannel pyjamas say 'not tonight,' but without hurting his feelings!

There are lots more ways you can say you are in the mood earlier in the evening. Like wearing a particular scent, playing special music, lighting a candle or opening a favourite wine at dinner, or a welcome home kiss with that 'not so innocent' look in your eyes. Or just sitting a lot closer together as you watch the news.

Get the idea? Sometimes words are not the best way to communicate your feelings. So try the wordless approach, and your love life will soon be sparkling again.

All the best,

Chris