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Why 'we need to talk' makes men shiver

Relationships
 For a man these four words can only mean the worst is yet to come (Photo: iStock)

Millions of women have been hurt, pained and distressed with the three-word, barefaced, male lie: I love you.

These three words have caused countless women to lose their innocence to charlatans, dump respectable boyfriends and husbands for orgasm merchants, get pregnant, abort, fight and even kill fellow women or lose their own lives.

The menfolk, on the other hand, behave like they are all descendants of Shaka Zulu, acting all tough and nonchalant until you look them in the eye and say, “We need to talk.”

Come to think of it, we actually need to talk about this short sentence that sends all Sons of Nahum sweating, shivering and wishing the earth swallows them alive! If a tough as nails drill sergeant was walking away at the speed of light and you said “we need to talk”, he would freeze on the spot!

We were chatting with my male friends when one of them received a text from his wife. His mood changed, ‘pap’. 

“What’s the news? Bad? You seem troubled, Sam. ‘’

He handed his phone to me. Text read, “Babe, we need to talk. ‘’ Bam! I laughed! Why would such a simple text trouble him?

That’s how I got to know, from the lads, that a man would digest news about death in the family and stay calm than he would a “we need to talk” message — verbal or via text. Apparently, those words can cause a heart attack.

These words are a clear signal that what’s needed to be talked about is huge and whoever needs to talk wants him to take responsibility.

Now what’s it? Who? What has she done again? Purity? Did he delete last evening’s conversation with Jane? Did he delete the Sh10,000 MPESA transaction message showing money he sent to Lavender? Might June have called when he’s home? Did he throw away the two condoms he had in his car? Did he give her a dose of the clap? Is she pregnant? Or, God forbid, has she found another manner with a bigger, harder toolbox? Because it’s definitely not about the pending power bill. It’s not about their baby who might be suddenly unwell.

 She probably has photo evidence and screenshots ready (Photo: iStock)

It has nothing to do with anything. It must be about some girl! Some mischief. Some wrong! And she’s gathered enough evidence - photographic evidence, screenshots and everything, in PDF format. No woman says these four words when she doesn’t have evidence! Absolutely no woman!

This could then precede a session with detailed and troubling confession, a very difficult and unrealistic request or an ‘ and who is Agatha ‘ kinda question, that would now send the man into a coma! These words are weighty and unpleasant to any man and can cause a sharp migraine. That no woman says ‘we need to talk’ then goes ahead to tell her man that she has received her chama money and now wants to buy him boxers or a pair of socks, or tells him he’s such an awesome man and she will love him forever and ever amen. No woman does that!

We need to talk can only mean a woman has missed her coveted Ps out of last month’s steamy sexapade. Or she’s been with her kamati of girls and they have analysed your Facebook posts and noticed some randy girl who’s been reacting to all your photos with love emojis.

For a man, these four words can only mean that the worst is yet to come and that he’s going to get a 74 minutes-long angry lecture about how he’s screwed up everything. And who knows? All his sins and transgressions from the 1940s, before he was born, could be dug up.

How they hate and fear that talking business! Eti he sits down with his woman gabbing with her, shaking and nodding his head as if he’s in a meeting? Get questioned? Nah!

Also, women’s conversations can go on and on and on. They will morph into side court cases that absolutely have nothing or little to do with the issue at hand. And man will have to listen, respond and agree — wapende wasipende.  

Men argue that they’re fixers. Like, they want to know what shit is cutting, then fix it asap and move onto the next issue. Listening, understanding, feeling, putting themselves in other people’s (women’s) shoes is not their jug of keg.

Say what girls? Stop opening conversations with “we need to talk”. Because one day, honey, that man is going to crap in his pants, and guess who will be left to clean up the mess.

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