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Confessions: Poor sexual performance makes me feel like I am not qualified to marry

Readers Lounge By Simon and Boke
Whenever a woman approaches me, I dismiss any chance of a relationship (Photo: Shutterstock)

I am a 27-year-old man with a history of four relationships which ended at some stage. The fact is that I tend to have a small penis and, further, that I am a two-second guy. I believe this killed my relationships. As it now stands, I have totally lost hope in relationships and, whenever a woman approaches me, I dismiss any chance of a relationship. Is a man of my class eligible for a relationship and what is the way forward? Is there a woman who has had a successful marriage with a man of my class? It’s stressing my mind. Please help me.

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{Ernest}

What the readers say:

An anxious striker with an empty goal will always shoot wide because in his mind, he should not score. Who tells you that satisfaction is about the length or the size of the walking stick! Talk to a sex therapist who will help you to slowly build your confidence. Secondly, always begin the journey relaxed and slow and steer from the deeper parts of the water until much later. If these fail to give the optimum results, even after practice, seek medical advice. Remember this is more psychological than physical.

Tasma Saka

Ernest, calm down. They say that we are what we think. Four relationships may not stamp you as having totally failed! Your body is acting what you have planted in your brain. There is a say that also goes; a bad workman blames his tool and two, the size of the jembe doesn’t translate to the intensity and the amount of work one does. It’s your ego that is betraying you. You have branded yourself a failure. I believe that if you have a small member but strongly believe in yourself then you won’t even realize that you have a small member.Make good use of what you have. As for marriage, marriages do not last because of big tools out there, if anything, then our female counterparts will tell the discomfort they find in what you think is heroism. Believe in yourself. Boost your own ego.

Ouma Ragumo-Sifuyo

The size of your male organ should not be an issue. You can see sex therapist , gynecologist and surgeon on sex organ and raise your concern. My concern is do you erect or not . if you erect what is your problem , you may be having a psychological own problem. To consult your friends and doctor to see if you can raise the size of your penis or enlarge though you may have some side effects why you cannot be satisfied with yourself and move on. So also eat nutritious food especially protein food to make you erect more or you can go for plastic surgery to correct your penis size.

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Onyango Outha

Boke says:

Dear Ernest,

One can imagine the kind of anxiety you could be going through because genitalia are closely associated with procreation and much more. Meaning your worries go beyond the sexual act. However, let’s look at it as an image issue. Not that image does not matter. To be honest everybody has a part of their body that they really wished they could change. It could be the tone of our skin, height or even body size. Even a supermodel would confess to this. Being comfortable and accepting one’s self is a process that each one of us has to embark and succeed in. If this does not happen then no amount of correction, if there be any, can help you.

Look at it this way, the person with long legs is not necessarily a fast runner, bigger eyes do not mean better vision, a large nose does not guarantee a sharper olfactory or sense of smell.

The same way there is no relation between having large arms and being diligence thus being prosperous. Otherwise our athletes would have the longest and thickest legs. Professors would have the largest heads and the list goes on.

Functionality and size are not necessarily related. To settle this I would recommend that you see a doctor who will rule out any medical condition. If there is anything medical then they can advise you accordingly. If they confirm that there is nothing, I believe it will ease the pressure from you.

ALSO READ: Six signs you’re settling in a relationship

Endeavour to become a better person, by improving on other qualities that are necessary in a relationship. Are you a kind, supportive, understanding person? Do not allow this one thing to cloud and diminish your value.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Simon says:

Ernest, that is a rather tough situation to be in especially in a world where for a man the size of his penis is deemed to be a measure of sexual prowess, suitability in sexual reproduction and confidence. This, science has proven to be a myth and also established that men with what is considered to be a relatively small penis can also perform sexual acts to utmost satisfaction. As a matter of fact, men with relatively larger penises have also been seen to perform below expectation leading to the popular saying “he does not know how to use his tool” and the vice versa.

For purposes of clarity medical research studies from around have found the average penis size to range between 3.6 – 5.1 inches when erect. However, the general perception is that an average penis is approximately 6inches long when erect – this falls outside the average range. The bigger problem for men who consider themselves to have a small penis is their mindset and attitudes. They become overly distressed about their small penis and often suffer from anxiety and depression about their sexual performance. This is what leads them to perform dismally and for those who have accepted themselves as they have been known to perform extremely well aided by their mindset, determination and confidence.

There is no such thing as a two-second man! You are only lasting 2 seconds because of your anxiety and obsession with your penis size so you end up thinking about all the wrong things, before, during (the two seconds) and after. You need to accept your situation, build the internal confidence that you can do it and you will drive yourself to perform beyond your wildest expectations. This is a battle you need to fight in your mind and convince yourself that you are able. When it comes to psychological battles, the reality is that “if you think you can, or you think you cannot, either way you are right!” Build confidence from within yourself and all the other things will fall into place. You are capable of having long-lasting relationships even leading to marriage and even though you may feel inadequate about the size of your penis, there are many other good things and strong elements about you that will complement that. Lastly, that penis may not be as small as you think (it is only small in your mind) and it is capable of doing what any other penis can do.

Simon Anyona is a relationship counselor

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