Bad bachelor: Black book from 2019 escapades

I’ve been in self isolation for the last two weeks, and I am now fully recovered. No, not from Covid-19, but because of that other issue I told you about a fortnight ago (if you didn’t read about it, tough titty pretty kitty, because I don’t feel like talking about it at all).

If you’re here for the first time, I’m Art Amacho, early 30s, six-foot tall and single, likes to mingle, and maybe one day will press ‘pause’ long enough on my active dating life to get a wife.

You never know what trick fate has in store! I work in advertising, chasing down clients all over the city for our large advertising firm. But with this ‘corona’ around every corner, and social distancing and all that stuff, I am actually doing nothing.

Our HR Cynthia Worm sent a departmental letter that had a mocking tone, or so I thought. ‘Take April off, at half pay, and work from home.’

The last ten days or so have been agonising for me, because my one-bedroom apartment in Beldam Meadow flats is just a place I sleep and shower at. The first three days I cleaned up and arranged stuff, but other than my bed, couch, clothes and electronics, I don’t have much stuff.

The next three days I surfed the Net, listening to old songs on YouTube that reminded me of my carefree college days, adult sites being offered ‘premium’ free (stay-at-home and enjoy yourself, lol); I even tried to read one of the untouched books on my shelf.

Then three days ago, bored out of my skull, I began to fantasise about my conquests in 2019. And the very teenage idea came to me to write a journal about my affairs/escapades; this is what idleness will do to a mind that should be out there, socialising and selling adverts.

December Joy – she was a bridesmaid at a garden wedding in Enshapai, and after the evening reception, we retired to my room for a ‘honeymoon.’

November Faye – this was some wild young sprite I met at a club in Westlands, grinding her bottom to ‘Queen Bee’ machine. I picked her.

October Marcia – she is, or used to be, my monthly masseuse. So I call her on an ‘off’ day, she really comes home. Awkward!

September Sue – I knew her once a long time ago, and we bumped into each other at some advertising function, only to sneak off together.

August Casey – her dad had passed away, and I consoled her throughout the funeral period. Then she showed up at Beldam Meadow, and bed-lam ensued.

July Olivia – this one I am ashamed of, because Olivia is like 60, a pretty of wrinkled spinster, and I went out of my way to seduce her for kicks.

June in June – what are the chances? So I’m staying in some nice hotel (a client paying) in a neighbouring country. And I meet this trim mzungu at the swimming pool, fancy that?

Mrs M in May – is a lonely married woman. I met her at the gym. She is the one who hit on me.

April Nicki – found her on Tinder, we went on a movie date, the sex was terrible and mutually incompatible.

La Toya March – it just had to be an ‘oga’ woman with this name. She came to give us training on ‘hooking a client,’ and very aggressively linked up with me, although I’m not complaining.

February Valentine – alright, she was actually called Sanyo. Turns out she just needed a Valentine.

January Bertha – the start of 2019, and I join a weekly ‘Book Club’ (TBC) because I hear you meet nice women there, like church (but I find church dull). Three weeks in, and this young lady Bertilla comes to my place for us to read ‘Lolita.’ Turns out she’s a psycho/stalker type.

Thank Lord Bertie shortly left for Britain for further studies!

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