He seemed like answered prayers to me and my daughter, now he's changed

I am 28 and for five months I and my six-year-old daughter have been living with a man who is 31. He is not her biological father and we come from different communities. We recently had a fight and in the process he said that I am too old for him and that my child is too big. I realised that he may be having issues with me so I thought to give him some space. I was so hurt by this and I suggested that we separate but he is now really begging me not to leave. He has since apologized but I am confused about what to do. Please advise me. {Hellen}

Your Take:

Helen, that man is only pretending to love you but in the real sense he does not. When he fell in love with you, he knew you had a child, how come he does not want her now?

 If he cannot accept that girl, just leave and let him be. You will find a man who will love both of you with no conditions.

{Shalon Omenyo}

If he said those words to you then it seems he is not comfortable with your daughter. Think about her as well and do what is right for her as well. She should be your first priority not him. I wish you well.

{Rosy Sagaga}

When people are angry, they say some things that they come to regret later on. This does not mean that whenever we are angry, we get out of our senses rather that we can lose control. Since he may not have meant those things, I suggest that you forgive him.

By apologizing, he showed that he is remorseful. Also by having accepted to co-habit with you it means that he loves you. Quarrels will always be there in every relationship so take heart.

 He should also know that by now the child is legally under his custody and the law protects that child and considers the child as his.

{Ouma Ragumo - Sifuyo}

The writing is on the wall - your husband for five months has already spoken his mind. He told you that you and your daughter are too old for him and to me he has no interest in you anymore.

 He may even end up molesting your daughter. Get an alternative man for your future because he is only wasting your time and your life.

{Onyango Outha – Jauduny}

Helen the baby is not the issue here. It seems you are venting all your love on your daughter forgetting about your man. Always remember they are both big parts of your life and they deserve equal attention.

{Wekesa Elius}

There must be something you did for him to decide to say such words to you. To avoid such situations change the way you handle him in that home. Give him all he love and care he deserves and you will see a big change in your life.

{Johnny McOdongo}

Counselor’s Take:

Even in instances where all factors are optimal, things don’t always flow smoothly. Where one of the parties is raising a step-child, things are bound to hit the rocks every once in a while and more often than not they are pinned on the poor child.

For instance, he will always look at you in view of the fact that you have a child by another man. While it always has some effect on both men and women when they are raising a step child, this usually has more bearing on men since they always feel threatened by the other man and often they feel that they are working so hard take care of “another man’s” responsibility.

 It does not always show but this is an issue that definitely plays in the back of any man’s mind. However, this may never be a source of conflict in the relationship but it will always aggravate the magnitude of the issues that will emerge from time to time.

In my opinion, what he said was merely an outburst that was released in the heat of a charged moment. Ideally, men learn to live with such situations but the underlying frustrations will always find their way to the surface every once in a while.

Having accepted to live with you knowing you had a 6-year-old girl is a clear indication that he had thought through this and accepted the situation as is. This does not mean that he doesn’t wish things were different (that you did not have that girl) but he has chosen to live with the situation.

I encourage you not to leave being that he has apologized and is repeatedly asking you not to leave him. My emphasis is that it was only an outburst and does not warrant a separation. On your part, remember you have to learn to also give a little bit more of everything (love, patience, and understanding, care e.t.c.) to cover up for this.

 When you give just what any other woman would give, he feels short changed because he is bending over backwards to accept you in your present situation. If he feels he is getting more than he would get if he was with a woman who bore his children then he will with time overlook the issue and accept everything. Always remember that the person at a disadvantage always has to give a little more to level the ground. {Taurus}