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Bad bachelor: How I moved out, moved on

My Man By Art Amacho
I guess the only thing they’ll miss about this bad bachelor is the gossip about my different girls (Shutterstock)

Come Tuesday, I had to move out of Bel Air apartments. This is where I’ve lived for the last five years, as a bachelor, and caused bedlam (‘bed slam’, if I am to be truthful).

ALSO READ: Bad bachelor: Dad reappears as I'm arrested

But the mayhem that my two girlfriends — Sonia, the curvy masseuse versus Lucia, my petite alcohol supplier — caused by fighting a fortnight ago that was so much, it brought half the block to my door, and earned me a ‘vacate’ notice. What happened to the type of women who just tug gently at one another’s blouses and wigs when they fight?

No one in the neighborhood cried when I left, though I did bring in the movers at noon — when the estate is at its emptiest and quietest. I guess the only thing they’ll miss about this bad bachelor is the gossip about my different girls – and the exhaust noise of my speedy blue Subaru through the hood.

I did not bother to tell either Lucia or Sonia that I was shifting out of my flat. I like Irish goodbyes, where you just go without telling anyone ‘ninaenda.’ One day, I even hope to die like that — here tonight, gone tomorrow at the crack of dawn (I’ve certainly slipped out of many a hotel room that way).

So on Wednesday, Lucia sends me an SMS saying she’s ‘out of stock’ and needs Sh15,000 to re-supply. Shock on her when I just write ‘uta jisort!’ After all, it’s not like she returned even a cent from the 15k I gave her two weeks ago.

On Thursday, Sonia sends me a WhatsApp with a positive pregnancy test kit picture, and caption – ‘Need 30K to sort this out, Boo, o/wise we’re gonna have a baby.’

On the same day, there’s a furious text from Lucia, with all kinds of unprintables, that ends “wewe kumbe ulihama?” I picture Li’l Lucia ringing my old doorbell, and hearing its echo through an empty apartment. Better still, it’s occupied — the shock on her face when asked ‘Can I help you?’ by some strange dude!

I don’t reply to Lucia’s abuse, the same way I simply don’t acknowledge the masseuse’s WA picture. There’s a reason why the app fixed the blue tick function — for pregnancy cons like Sonia. So I simply ‘ghost’ her.

ALSO READ: Financial warning signs to watch out for when in a relationship

“What if, for real, she is expectant with your child?” my pal Dedan Odiwor asks me on phone.

“Let her take care of the situation, or of the child,” I shrug nonchalantly. “That’s her problem.”

“You wait till one day, in 2026, this salonist shows up with a six-year old girl called Shaniqua at your office, and Shaniqua is a spitting image of her papa, Art Amacho!”

“Not funny,” I tell Dedan – D.O. we call him – but, in reality, I’m very grateful to the man.

See D.O. has this much older girlfriend, in Italy or Germany I cannot remember, and by older I mean she is like in her early 60s. She is retired, with a healthy pension, and got trapped in Mombasa/Malindi in March by Covid-19 lockdown. They’ve been down there since, and even if inter-county lockdown ends today, the sexagenarian has insisted they stay down there until November.

Meanwhile Odiwor’s own ‘home’ is this swanky furnished apartment in Milimani. His European mama plonked down a whopping 600 ngwaa (yep, thousand) for eight months’ rent when she came down in March.

For a hundred Sh100,000, which I send him, Dedan is letting me stay in it till end o’ Nov.

ALSO READ: Six signs you’re settling in a relationship

Let the good times roll on!

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