The perils of getting married on Valentine's

Dear Beryl,

Congratulations on getting married on Valentine’s Day.

It takes a very romantic type of person to choose February 14, as their day of nuptials.

(Keep in mind that romantic also means characterised by an idealised, sentimental or fantastic view of reality; or suggestive of a remoteness of day to day reality).

But no one can say Kamayole is remote.I mean – it’s not like you live in Rongai.

Anyway, it is a Sunny Saturday, and your romance is red hot. But like they say in the series ‘Game of Thrones’ (you must watch it), ‘winter is coming,’ as sure as July follows June.

Forget your best maid saying ‘I am so glad my best friend married her best friend’ in a choked voice. We both know Betty is a sentimental cow.

At best, you have to look at him as your ‘frenemy.’ That way, when the going gets tough, he will know you are rougher than a rough rider, gal.

As I once saw on the text of a friend from his ex and baby mama, ‘Ntakupeleka mbio kama pick up ya miraa Meru.’

Beryl, to survive marriage or its messy aftermath, you must bristle with weapons like a nuclear nation – never mind that you never intend to use them.

There are no pre-nuptial agreements provided for in Kenyan Law, so you are covered. What is his is ours, and what is yours is yours.

If he is loaded or has what is called ‘disposable income,’ encourage him to invest after you become the missus. He will think you are smart. And you are. After you split, that money will be called ‘acquired in the course of marriage’ and you will split it equally, if not lovingly.

Try and ensure you register stuff he buys in both your names, and even solely yours. ‘Itindi’ does have a nice ring to it, all on its own, especially in a land title.

Know that your Ted Nabongo, whom you think is a big, cute teddy bear now, especially when he wears those 1995 sweaters even in this hot January weather, will turn into a raging bear from Siberia should s*** ever go South.

He will rampage through your life like a wild wolf, throw you out of the house and re-possess the car he bought you, but you never bothered to transfer.

As AG Githu used to tell us when he taught us Family Law eons ago, ‘Divorce courts are the trenches of World War III.’

That throat clearing that you find endearing before he breaks into gibberish glossolalia (tongues) in church on Sundays, when the gloss of your nuptials is gone, will sound like guttural glottal.

Besides, Beryl, he only feigned being a good Christian to get you to walk down the aisle. You catch his hangover red-eyed gaze through the mirror glass as you dress, Sunday, and realise he was last in church the day you got hitched.

Admire his strong points, and store away his weak ones for future reference. Anything he tells you, like how he was a major carjacker in his 20s ‘before he saw the light’ at 30, may be used to threaten him one day.

‘Ret me have that chamba in Kino, or ech’ ...

Beryl, make love, but prepare for war. In life, these two are opposite sides, but of the same coin. What was that the bard said about ‘no wrath in heaven, like love to hatred turned’?

Don’t cut off your friends, or even every ex, if you are the sort who got married today, on St Valentine’s.

It means you are fundamentally sentimental, and may someday need soft shoulders to cry on, or hard chests.

Enjoy your big day today, Beryl.

Because, unlike those couples we feature on ‘Glam Wedding’ at the back of this mag (who are sensible enough to marry on days other than Valentine’s) – this is the best it will ever be.

G’luck,

Tony

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