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Confessions: My husband of 30 years has a male lover and I am okay with it


When a woman loves a man, he can do no wrong in her eyes. She would go to extreme rates of adjusting her life and settling to what she does not deserve in the name of love, better yet play the oblivious of his faults. The biggest being his quest for another woman!!!!

Most men can't ever get over the fact that a woman strayed even if it is by sending a love emoji to another man, but yet, men seem to get away with sleeping with multiple women even if it is the neighbourhood sex commercial worker. Clearly Kenyan men are not quite wired for monogamy, our ancestors clearly proved that fact but why do women stick to such men. Is it because their men are too randy for them to handle, or does a marriage mark the beginning of the end of things. Whatever the case is more and more women have given up on stopping their man from cheating and have resulted to allowing them to give in to the desires of the flesh as long as they can control their 'women'.

Karen based – former HR executive Getrude, 51, who asked that her last name be withheld to protect her privacy, fits into that category. When she found her lawyer husband exchanging flirtatious messages with another man, her world was turned upside down. He later admitted to a same-sex fling back in 2009 when they took a trip to Brazil for their family holiday. Regardless of this new found information, she remained by his side. "He said it was a mistake, and he was confused by his sexuality," Getrude tells us.

Then, two years ago, he dropped the bombshell that he now considered himself gay and was actively seeking other partners. "When it first happened, I thought I was going to lose my mind," admits Getrude, who can't remember the last she had sex with her husband. "But, with help from my husband, we've figured out our arrangement. The couple, who have 3 kids, decided to rent a flat in Kiambu, Thendegua, to serve as the husband's love nest. This way her husband would not be caught by any of their friends during his visits with his men. "Most of the time he would be with young college men looking to experiment who looking for a quick shilling in the name of sponsorship. I never help pick out the men in his life, as long as they do not belong in the same campuses as my kids, I am fine," says Getrude.

So what made her decide to stand by her man? "We're still very much in love and we have a rich history together," says Getrude, who has been married for 30 years. "My parents are elderly, and I don't see any point in telling them and hurting them by getting divorced. Plus, I am 51 years, who would want to marry me, I rather stick here where I know I have everything I have including my husband's love. All I don't have is intimacy and that I can live without."

Other factors include the duo's comfortable lifestyle in the Karen, their kids and her husband's career. "My husband works with politicians, who will want to work with him when he comes out? It better to live not reveal what they don't have to know so that not to lose what took him 30years to build," says Getrude.

But it's been a difficult road, especially after Getrude decided to confide in her sister a rigid Christian. "She was very judgmental and was of the opinion that I should leave him and expose him for not living by his 'truth'," she says.

"But, I have worked so hard to maintain this life and imagine losing it all in the name of intimacy. I have spoken to my husband about getting a young man for myself and he was okay and offered to let me use his love nest if need be." The more invested you are in your marriage — whether because of love, lifestyle, finances, children or a combination of those things — the more likely you are to make compromises, such as allowing the husband to cheat, to anchor the commitment. Though in Kenya, rather than taking the open-marriage route popular in Europe, in America, it's usually a case of "don't ask, don't tell," where the wife turns a blind eye to the man's peccadilloes.

Sarah from Runda, 48, on the other hand views her husband's sexual escapades as a blessing in disguise. She used to be overwhelmed with being a mother to their three little girls, working at her husband's real-estate company, attending school committees and having unending business meetings.

"We would argue almost every week because my husband felt that I did not give him the attention that he deserved. But in truth, I was completely overwhelmed and I could not give him what he needed," says Sarah. 13months ago I noticed my husband coming home late, the arguments reduced drastically and he never bothered her about being intimate with her. She decided to keep a close eye to find what was preoccupying his mind this much.

"As my husband took a shower, took his phone and asked one of my girls to unlock it. He might with hold the password from me but one of the kids had it locked in her head so that she can use, daddy's phone to play games. I knew it wasn't right to use my daughter to get information but I had to make this happen," says Sarah. The mother of three went through his phone and found multiple explicit texts of him and his women, exchanging nude pictures and talking of their explicit sex acts. "I was so angry, I felt so betrayed, I had a mind to attack him in the shower with a knife but for the sake of our children, I remained calm and returned his phone where I found it."

Sarah kept the information to herself and things between her and her husband became even better. He became affectionate, we rarely argued and he was always in a good mood. "That is when I realised that maybe his cheating was indeed a blessing in disguise, I adopted the blind eye action and ever since my life has been peaceful," says Sarah. The arrangement might not be traditional but it has made life for the couple bearable. They are still intimate and Sarah has managed to keep the fact that she knows about her husband's affair a secret from him, but that does not mean that she is stupid.

"I have been buying more and more properties in my name, I have to protect myself because my man might decide to leave. You can never be too sure with men." Sarah and her husband have been living harmoniously ever since.

When was the last time you wrote someone a letter on paper?

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