Confessions: Does my stepdad have feelings for me?

I am a second year student in university. My mum has always favoured my step sister over me for as long as I can remember and this I think has always been to please my step-dad. He on the other hand has always been good to me and loves me very much and does everything to support me just as he does for my sister. My sister thinks he loves me more than he loves her and is not always happy about this.

However, of late he has been making strong and direct passes at me. He even comes to college to spend time with me. He kisses and caresses me and wants to sleep with me. He says he will not force me but he is becoming too persistent. He seems to be getting impatient with me. Please advise…

{Wairimu}

What readers say

Wairimu, this man is still your dad and you are about to make a mistake that you will live to regret. You allowed him to get too close and this is where the advances began. You won’t lose anything if you refuse his sexual advances. How will you live with your mother thereafter? At no given point in life shall you share a man with your mother, it is unethical and totally disrespectful of you.

{Ouma Ragumo –Sifuyo}

Unless you want to ruin your mother’s marriage, you must stop. You are dealing with a dangerous sex pest who may not spare even his biological daughter. It is better he withdraws the goodies you are talking about, but which even your mother can give. Be a girl who earns what she has but if you want them to come without breaking a sweat, your risks are far more serious than the threat from this man. Respect yourself, value your integrity and remain moral.

{Tasma Saka}

My greatest worry is if your step father impregnates you, how will your child or children relate with your mother and step sister. Stop the relationship and if he withdraws his support, look for your biological father who will not make sexual advances towards you. What if your mother discovers that you are a secret admirer to her husband? Look for men outside your family and when you find one, invite him home and introduce him to your step father.

{Onyango Outha}

Simon says:

Wairimu, this is a situation from which nothing good is going to emerge. Several things are certain here and these are; (i), you really don’t seem to mind these advances; (ii), this will eventually come out and it will not be pretty and iii, you are mature enough to know what this is and the likely repercussions when the cat gets out of the bag. It is rather obvious that he is not your biological father so to him, you are just another young and pretty girl and this is why he is interested in you sexually.

 The thing with illicit relationships especially for people who are within a common set-up is that there will always be some mistakes that will start shining light about what is going on. It may be something you say or do but one or both of you shall make some mistake that will expose everything. You say that you have not yet given in to his advances – which is good but not good enough. I will put it to you that you are also interested in him just as much as he is interested in you (for many reasons). This means that it is only a matter if time then you will give in. This is when things will go south.

 Yes, women always expect or are always suspicious that their men are cheating – but they really don’t expect that the cheating will involve their own daughter. This is not only unacceptable but is also too bitter to bear. The other thing to remember is that the line between them considering you a friend or stranger is very thin. Your mother will most certainly want to keep her marriage and your sister thinks you are “the loved one” by your step father. This puts you up against two women who at the slightest provocation they are likely to fiercely fight back.

 The thing to do through this situation is to have a candid discussion with him and tell him that this cannot and will not happen. Don’t worry about the support he is giving you, this will not stop – remember he is also interested in burying this whole thing. Do not try to reason with him as he will not want to see the side of reason since it will most certainly be on in his best interests just tell him to stop.

 {Simon is a relationships counsellor}

Boke says:

The sibling rivalry between you and your step sister is not the main problem. That is something both of you are likely to outgrow and overcome with time.

 Concerning your stepdad, I must mention that your boundaries with him have gradually eroded. This could have started way back and you probably were suspicious about his actions but ignored all the warnings. Otherwise, no one starts touching another person inappropriately from nowhere. You are not any other person, you are his step daughter.

 It is not too late, you can stop him. This will require you to firmly and clearly state your disapproval of his behaviour towards you. Refuse to fall for any threat or blackmail from him. At university level you can do without his support, that is if it is tied to you having an improper relationship with him.

 There are many of your mates that survive on HELB. It might be a humbling lifestyle but you will have your dignity. You should also note that if he can think this of you then he has no regard for you nor your mum. He is not just unfaithful, he is a pervert. Remember you are a daughter to him.

 Giving into his demands will not only ruin your relationship with you mother but also your life. You will never get it out of your conscience. This is too high a price yo pay for temporary financial support.

 The other thing you need to do is to get closer to your mum. I get the feeling that he could have noticed the distance between you and your mum and he has taken advantage of it. Do not appear defenceless, sex pests are keen on this and they capitalise on it.

{Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships.}