Confessions: I’m in love with a married man, it hurts so bad

I am in love with a married man who I have known for a long time - even before he got married. From the start, he told me he had a fiancée but that did not stop us from seeing each other. We would meet and make out often. I have tried to leave him but I just keep going back to him. I don’t know what keeps me hooked to him. We are so much in love, it hurts. We can’t be together all the time because he is married. He’s my soul mate. What should I do? I don’t want to lose him, but I am not sure what my chances are with him. Should I follow my heart? Please help. I am madly in love with him.

{Stella}

What the readers say:

That someone claims to love you but marries another person is possible but only up to the claim point. He has realised that you have a weakness for him, which he exploits for his own selfish gains. Try insisting that you are moving in with him and listen to his excuses then you will know where you stand. If I were you, I would stop wasting my time on this man.

{Tasma Saka}

At the end of the day, people will go to the ends of the earth for the things they truly want. If a man wanted to be with you and share the rest of his life with you, he would do it. If he truly loved you, it wouldn’t matter what the costs or implications were. However, if he’s content just sleeping with you on the side, while staying married to his wife, it’s because you’re not so important to him. Once you figure out the kind of life you do want, you’ll be able to figure out the kind of man you want.

{Fred Jausenge}

You are not in love, you are only confused. If the man really loved you from whatever time, he would have chosen you over his current wife. He now needs you just as a bounce back in case he needs extra romance or when he has marital issues. But maybe he will marry you as a second wife -- you never know.

{Aseri Dick}

You are ruining someone’s house so stop it. Or let him marry you as a second wife. If you knew this man before he married his wife why didn’t he leave his fiancée and propose to you and make you his wife? Madam, men have many categories of women in their life; marriage material, concubine material, sexual material, fancy material, show-off material and party material, among others. You may assess your position and get to know where you lie. Stop spoiling for or causing problems to a fellow woman like you.

{Onyango Outha}

Simon says:

Stella I understand the predicament you are in and, being that you have known him this long and that you are so much in love with each other, it hurts. Well, with all the facts, I can tell you what your chances are with him so that you are certain and no longer confused about this – your chances are nil. Yes, yes, yes, he is your soul mate and you are allegedly so in love with each other but at the end of the day, he lays his head where his heart is – at home.

I am inclined to believe that, in this situation, one person is so madly in love while the other is having their cake and eating it. It is about time you stopped wasting your time riding a dead horse since, at the end of it all, you are the one who will be left at the crossroads while he forges ahead with his family. If he were an out-and-out polygamist, you would know it by know as there would have been talk of him starting a family with you.

This is the kind of situation that will only leave you feeling used then dumped when the moment will be convenient for him. There are many men out there, Stella, and I know that sometimes the serious ones are hard to come by. You must understand, however, that any delay in securing your freedom so you can search for what lies out there for you puts you at a further disadvantage since time is never on anyone’s side especially for women. Make that crucial decision and jump out of this, Stella. You may think that by leaving, you may be falling into what seems to be an empty space but this is very far from the truth – as a matter of fact, you will be launching into greater and better things.

Get out of this early and good things will come following through to you. It is better to get out and try than to stay in a relationship that you know cannot and will never work for you. If you go out there, you will have the chance of finding a soul mate. Within the current situation, you will remain to be his soul mate (according to you) so start early. Leaving and forgetting about him is going to be painful but it is most certainly the right thing to do in the current situation.

{Simon is a relationships counsellor}

Boke says:

Dear Stella,

I wish I could tell you to follow your heart. In this situation, your heart is off course and following it would lead you no where.

Your boyfriend does not view you with the same level of regard like you do. You are investing heavily way above what your ‘partner’s’ input. While you were both single and had a chance to be together, he went for another woman, his fiancee. He married her because that is the woman he wanted to be with.

For your information no odds are big enough to stop two people who love each other from being together.

The man had an opportunity to make a choice and he very consciously made his. Please also note that with every passing day he still makes a choice to stick to his wife. Unfortunately this only leaves you as a convenient pass-time. The truth is he has all along never wanted to be you.

Do not waste your time and emotions on him. What is holding you back is the fear of rejection. Rejection can make an individual to hang onto a wrong relationship because they have allowed the other person to define their essence.

I encourage you to wean yourself out of this imbalanced relationship. That man is going on with his life yet you are there hoping that you will be together. If he wants to be with you nothing can stop him, remember polygamy is legal. That is if you do not mind. The man is not in any dilemma, you are in it alone. This relationship is unnecessary burden and baggage on you, drop it.

Be positive about yourself. You are a great person and someone out there would be glad to be with you.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology