My fiancÈ refuses to know his HIV status

By Nyambura Maina

I am 27 and still a virgin. I’ve been in a relationship for six years and decided to move in with my boyfriend a year ago. We are planning to get married next year and before that, my boyfriend wants me to introduce him to my parents. I told him I would do that only if he agreed to visit a VCT centre so that he could learn his status. I already know my status but he doesn’t know his. I have told him I am willing to go with him, but he is always cancelling the dates he sets for testing. He is reluctant to talk about visiting a VCT centre and changes the topic whenever I bring it up. Should I go ahead to introduce him to my parents or should I insist on going for HIV testing first? He feels we’ve been together for a long time but I still don’t trust him. Please help.

Sue, Nairobi.

It is commendable and wise to find out your HIV status before going ahead with the long-term commitment of marriage. Research shows that one of the factors slowing down the fight against HIV and AIDS is that most people are not aware of their status and thus cannot take steps to curb its spread. VCT centres have been set up countrywide to facilitate quick and easy HIV testing and counselling. Knowing one’s HIV status prevents one from unwittingly passing the virus on. The only thing worse than getting the virus is knowing that you might have infected someone else. Being aware of your status allows you to determine where you are in light of the disease and what the best course of action is for you, medically or behaviourally.

It is unfortunate that your boyfriend is unwilling to find out his status. Chances are he is scared of going through with it. That in itself suggests he has had unprotected sexual contact with another partner and is fearful that he could be infected. Have an open and honest conversation with him so that he understands the importance of this to both your futures. VCT centres always give counselling before and after the test so if it is fear holding him back, then he and the counsellor can work through it together. All information obtained is always taken as confidential.

Setting ultimatums for him seems to be working against you. Allow him to come up with an option that he is comfortable with and that also gives you the necessary information you need to proceed with your marriage plans. His level of commitment is evident in his insistence on seeing your parents so give him a chance to come through for you. Knowledge is power and knowing your status and his will ensure that you can properly plan for the future.

.

Keep Reading

• How can I help my kids build stronger social skills?
• Money talk at the dinner table: Teach children value
• How to prepare your toddler for a new sibling
• Teaching kids to choose the right company early

Common counsel

Dodgy behaviour

Ditch the man immediately because he is wasting your time and is not worth having as a husband. Everyone today knows that you cannot be too sure about your partner’s status and going for an HIV test is the only way to wipe clear the doubt. Just because you are in love please do not make the mistake of committing yourself to someone who might not be faithful to you. If he has nothing to hide then he should have no problem going for the test. What is more, if he really loves you and is committed to your relationship, he should go for the test.

Helen, 42

Fear holding him back

Taking an HIV test is not an easy matter. Thankfully, nowadays the VCT centres give results within minutes unlike before where you had to wait for a long time. I can tell you from experience that the wait was a silent killer. I was unable to sleep while waiting for results because I imagined the worst was to happen. It was a nightmare at the time but I managed to get through it because my results came back negative. My advice to you is to let your fiancÈ go in his own time. Don’t rush him. If he is the one insisting that he wants to meet your parents then, it must mean that he is committed to you. The test scares him but he will do it eventually if you stop nagging him.

Patrick M, 35

Aim higher

If you have kept yourself pure for this long, then you can wait as you look for another man. It is not too much to ask for a partner who is going to be your husband to go and take the test. There are men who are willing to do anything to get a wife who is a virgin. Aim higher for yourself and you will get what you are looking for and what you deserve. If you let the matter slide and get hitched without him being tested, he will know that you are a push over and he will mistreat you in future.

Derrick, Nairobi

Involve your parents

Sue, introduce him to your parents and let them take over from there. If they are aware that your fiancÈ is unwilling to be tested and yet still wants their daughter’s hand in marriage, they are bound to cause chaos. Your fiancÈ will be forced to go for that test unless he wants to deal with your parents’ wrath. Maybe you have been too soft with him because you love him. Let your parents do the job for you. They might even take pleasure in harassing your soon-to-be husband. This matter is too important for you as an individual, so don’t get duped by a man and let him off so easily. He sounds like the kind of man who will keep other crucial secrets from you that will end up hurting your marriage.

Baldev, 51

Change your attitude

Just because you are a virgin does not mean that you have to hold that against everyone else and make him or her feel small. Your boyfriend obviously had an active sexual past and because he is not sure of his status, that does not mean you have to be cruel to him. Your ‘holier than thou’ attitude should be left outside the door if you intend to get married. As they say, marriage is a compromise, so go easy on your partner. If the shoe was on the other foot, you would want him to be understanding and patient with you, wouldn’t you? So treat him as you would want to be treated yourself.

Mary, 27