The dance we call intimacy

By Tricia Wanjala

I watched some dancers at the National Theatre the other day. I was mesmerised by the way they interpreted the music with their bodies. It reminded me of how fascinated I feel when watching one of my favourite programmes, So you think you can dance.

Watching the symbiosis of the dancing couples made me think about the whole notion of intimacy. It occurred to me that intimacy is much like a dance. At first, two people are quite shy as they become acquainted, and as they get used to each other’s ‘steps’ or personalities, they gradually become closer until they become friends, and finally lovers or soul mates. Just as it takes practice, time and perseverance for dancers to hone their steps, likewise it takes effort to nurture a relationship. In fact, it is no accident that the verb "falling" is used to describe the rushing onset of love — the initial euphoria of finding a compatible partner, but also the awkwardness, blunders, and trip-ups that come with the territory.

Essentially, the dance of intimacy involves moving forward and backing away. Both parties mask the fact that they are scared to get hurt but are just as scared to lose out on a chance for lasting love. Throw caution to the wind and bare one’s soul? Run the risk of permanent damage to one’s ego, the risk of getting your heart broken? As you can see, fear is a very real component of such a relationship, especially at its inception. To quote Oprah on romance, "There are only two emotions — love and fear. In every relationship, you are always moving towards one or the other."

This intuitive fear may be on a subconscious level whereby we cannot quite understand why the whole thing seems ‘too good to be true,’ and we keep waiting for the catch, waiting to mess up. In effect, our new partner is ‘guilty before being proven innocent’. Previous experiences with the ‘wrong’ dancing partner who stepped on our toes, let go of us during a twirl or dropped us flat in front of the cameras, may leave us overly suspicious towards our new partner, thus inhibiting our rhythm and potentially sabotaging our success in this dance.

sign of fear

This commitment-phobia, whereby any relationship that appears to progress to a deeper level seems programmed to spontaneously combust, is really a manifestation of fear. However, when we allow ourselves to become vulnerable to our partners and let go of fear, our steps flow and the dance becomes liquid, smooth, enjoyable. We allow the music of romance to lead us, and relaxing into the beat, we shine as partners, as a team. Then, it becomes evident, as the ancient writer, John says: "Perfect love throws out fear".

We all know of this ‘dance’ of love — chasing, being chased, running away, running towards... following a complexly choreographed series of steps. Unaware of the weight of our pasts, our childhood legacies all interwoven in a strange silent rhythm that dictates our next move either towards or away from our mate, this innately programmed melody follows us throughout our lives even when we do "settle down," and stop running. The good news is that the dance of courtship, like that of birds in their season, need not control our decisions nor make us paranoid. Often it does lead us to "The One". The hunted stops running, and acquiesces; the hunter sticks around even after the chase is over. The two of them slowly back away from their fears and gingerly fall into a synchronised line dance, echoing each other’s steps, rhythmically moving closer until the circle closes into a slow, steady, comfortable tempo. Fear is forgotten in their lasting embrace... I thought of this as I watched the dancers on stage take a bow. I smiled because I had been too busy daydreaming to realise how quickly the show had ended.

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