Voila! Failproof insta-fame formula

So you want to be famous? A long time ago — and yet perhaps it was not such a very long time ago — one needed to stand out in a recognised field to garner nationwide acclaim. Fast-forward to 2014 and with an eye-popping booty and an amateur twerk video, you too can become the next sweeping sensation. 

The well-trodden path of banking on a talent can prove a bit laborious and to quote Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” And in any case, it is not the bestselling novelists or top charting musicians that get wide coverage in gossip blogs and tabloids. No, not anymore. It is that airhead who lives a life so scandalous that it warrants public interest.

Do you have an overriding desire to be showered with adoration and admiration by fans the world over? Or perhaps you were not hugged enough as a child and hence the constant need for reassurance that you are simply phenomenal. Whatever your reason, I am here to tell you that in can be done.

It is all very simple really. Find a backstreet photographer and have him take pictures of your cellulite and acne from every angle possible, post them on the Internet and voila! Instant fame.

Of course you can anticipate a few uptight individuals who will not be too thrilled by your notoriety. Jealous c**s! You will thereby refer to them as ‘haters’ and explicitly tell them that only God can judge you (yet here I am).

Tell them you are a model and that is the kind of modelling you do, even though nobody has hired you to take your clothes off, (it is an investment in the future ) because you know, having a few professional pictures on Instagram passes for modelling. (What are you advertising anyway? Stretch marks?) Now, you will need a way to stay relevant in between twerk videos and nude photos. I suggest you develop a crippling drug habit. Weed is an easy one. On one of them slow days, light a joint and twitpic your weed session with a cheesy caption like: “A friend with weed is a friend inweed. #OnlyGodCanJudgeMe”

Then you can announce you are gay and twitpic a picture of you kissing a girl. That is a sure way to set tongues wagging. Remember, there is no such thing as bad publicity. Any publicity is just that... publicity. Period.

After this, you will need to distinguish yourself from hordes of other attention seekers. They are whores. You are not. Matter-of-factly, mention that you hold a fancy degree. Yes, you got brains. You are not making much use of your brains, of course, but it is important for people to know you have a smattering of them.

There you have it. The fame formula. Follow these simple steps and watch your social media following quadruple overnight!

@RoxanneKenya