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Never swim in Nyando River naked

Lady Speak

When I was still very innocent and naïve, someone came up with the line 'Never swim in River Nyando naked'. For a long time, I used to pass by the river on my way to school looking at those swimming there naked and I always felt like detouring and spending some time with them just to warn them about the dangers of swimming in the river naked. That was until I got the real meaning of the expression. But why did it have to be River Nyando? Why not Athi River or the Red Sea?

Anyway, whatever the case, if you are still swimming in River Nyando naked, be ready for the dire consequences (like pregnancy and STIs, get the drift?). As for me and my house, swimming has been banned and we have moved away from all water bodies including fish ponds.

Today, though, I will talk about the white rhino. The poachers know too well the benefits that come with the white rhino, no wonder the struggle to get to it. My fellow women in the poaching industry, if you decide to ride on a white rhino, be proud of it.

I say, walk side by side with your rhino, hold hands with it and show the world how happy you are. Is it not you who has decided not to interact with the young and energetic Black rhino found all over the country?

The other day, I was idling somewhere in front of a building in town after my date was caught in traffic. Among those of us idling, was this beautiful poacher whose dressing caught everyone's attention. I swear she looked so elegant that one could think she had just walked out of a fashion magazine.

 She was looking at people around with pity as if our lives depended on her. Men were not just drooling but ogling as well as our poacher leaned against the restaurant wall as if waiting for someone or something. My fellow idlers looked like they were hanging around just to see who our beauty was waiting for. We were all expecting to see a Brad Pitt pulling over in a Ferrari.

I decided to make her my subject. I stood there admiring her heels and the clutch bag she had, not forgetting her wrist watch and the weave that spelled the name Naomi Campbell. I was not so far from her so I could hear her talk on phone because she was shouting, maybe to attract our attention or probably the person on the other end was struggling to hear. I was not eavesdropping but from her conversation, I figured out she was waiting for someone, and this someone was special from her facial expressions.

Five minutes into my eavesdropping, oops, minding my own business about another person, I saw a white old man in bathroom sandals walking towards our Naomi Campbell. This one, I say this man looked like he had just walked out of the cover page of magazine titled 'Pain and Suffering'.

 I have got a very long nose for news and I immediately knew this was a blind date about to turn ugly. I switched my gaze to our Naomi who was already feeling uneasy trying to move swiftly to a corridor before her date got to her.

Her date on the other end had the brightest smile on his face and was hastening his steps towards Naomi. He reached her before she got to the corridor and stretched his arms to give her a hug.

Naomi extended her arm instead, the look on her face told it all. She was behaving like she wanted the solar eclipse to suddenly happen.

 You know Kenyans and for that matter, idle Kenyans, everyone around started laughing and giggling for obvious reasons. Our white man wanted to put his arm around Naomi's waist as they walked away but she kept distance and instead walked at least one metre ahead of him.

I was busy following their little play when I was suddenly shaken back to reality by someone 'Madam, lipa fine ama uingie kwa gari'. Damn! I had been too busy enjoying Naomi's drama that I did not notice that I had stepped on a flower pot...and with that, I found myself in a City Council van.

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