Is it even possible to be happily married these days?

Hi Chris,

I’m getting to the age where I want to get married and start a family, but so far, none of my relationships has been anything much to write home about. And definitely nothing like the basis for a happy marriage!

The same seems to be true for my friends, and what scares me the most, is that my married friends don’t seem that happy either!

Can I Be Happily Married?

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Hi Can I Be Happily Married?!

It may sound strange, but until recently, no-one really cared whether married couples were happy or not. Marriage was all about children, earning a living, land, inheritance and so on.

But nowadays we expect to be happy. And in love. So when a couple isn’t, everyone assumes they’re doing something wrong. And that we won’t make the same mistakes as them.

But we will. So what can you do to make sure your marriage is happy?

Start by making the most of being single. Lots of people marry just to escape being alone, but it’s better to learn to create your own happiness.

Or maybe you’re getting on well with someone, and imagine that marriage will make that last forever. But weddings instantly create new expectations, so getting on well while you’re dating is rarely enough.

Because you’ll only be happy if you marry the right person. So use the time you’re single to learn all about your own personality, and how that works out with the people you date.

Like we first experience love as children. But maybe that was all mixed up with other feelings, like being belittled or neglected. So we’re attracted to the wrong people because our subconscious drives us towards what we knew in childhood. Rejecting kind and reliable partners because their behaviour feels unfamiliar.

And we’re all just a little bit crazy. Like irritable, controlling, insecure, or no good at explaining our feelings. Issues like those cause a lot of problems, so you need to marry someone who can cope with yours. Because happy marriages aren’t about perfect people, they’re about couples who can cope with each other’s oddities.

Understanding yourself isn’t easy though. Because when a dating relationship goes wrong, you’ll generally blame your partner and ignore your own faults. So when you’re single it’s easy to convince yourself that you’re really quite a nice person.

Which means just getting to know one another while you’re dating is rarely enough. You also need to understand your faults - and reduce them if you can. But in any case, go looking for someone who can cope with them. And you with theirs.

All the best,

Chris