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The rewards of discipline

Baby Care
 Photo: Courtesy

The rewards of discipline

The word discipline is defined as teaching instruction or tutoring yet many people think of discipline only as punishment. Thus disciplining a child means not punishing her for stepping out of line but teaching her the way she should go. In fact, the word discipline is related to the word disciple. Thus when you discipline your child, you are her teacher and really training her to be your disciple or learner.

Discipline and self-respect

Early in the parenting process most parents recognise the need to limit their child’s activities and teach her to control her behaviour. At this point, many parents make the common mistake. When they begin the discipline process, they label their child ‘bad’ when in fact she is not bad at all. For instance, a mother suffering from an intense headache might tell her daughter that she is a ‘bad girl’ for slamming the door. In reality it was little more than childish enthusiasm that caused the door to slam.

No labels please

Parents and teachers often label a child naughty or bad for actions that may have caused the adult a problem, but this does not mean the child is bad. By constantly referring to negative behaviour adults may cause a child to identify with her bad actions and thus induce in her negative feelings about herself.

Parental anger, aggravation, and impatience reinforce the child’s idea that they are punishing her because they do not like her. When parents become angry as a result of their child’s inconvenient behaviour, resenting the extra work the child causes and the price of parenthood, the child perceives that she is a burden rather than a blessing. Anger often forces a child to compensate for her feelings of low self-worth through defiance in order to establish her identity.

If a child feels respected when her parents correct her, she won’t lose respect for herself even though she may have done something very wrong. She’ll feel bad about her mistake, but she will believe that she can overcome the problem. On the other hand, when a child is not respected during correction, she will tend to despair, and also feel worthless and bad.

Feelings of revenge

Never should discipline destroy self-respect. Yet this is easily done, especially when a parent is caught off guard or embarrassed by a child’s behaviour. Take for instance a mother who finds her child hitting another. Grabbing her roughly, she begins a tirade of criticism, “Why you little brat! I’ll teach you never to hit again!” And mother proceeds to beat the frightened child.

Another mother handles the identical incident another way. “Mary, hitting others is bad, and I can’t allow you to do it. Please come over here and sit on this chair for a few minutes. Then we’ll talk about it.” This mother distinguishes between the misbehaviour and the child. Hitting was bad, but not the youngster. The child’s self-respect has been preserved, and her bad actions corrected. Mother tells the child exactly what it was that she did wrong, yet she does not personally condemn her.

If you attack your child’s self-respect for poor conduct, she may be motivated to defy you and harbour feelings of revenge. The less your child feels loved during these times, the more she will be motivated to defy your authority or to look for other deviant methods of getting back at you. The more you meet your child’s basic need for self-respect during the disciplinary procedure, the less she will show defiance.

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