When to part ways with your toxic family

Family is the foundation of every solid society. They are a source of unconditional love, support and belonging.

For the lucky ones, these bonds are deeply valued and honoured. However, the unfortunate reality is that not all family relationships nurture that and they become inherent sources of persistent pain, stress and emotional erosion.

Start by distinguishing between those occasional difficult family interactions which are normal and a consistently toxic environment. Toxicity is usually characterised by persistent patterns of behaviour that demean, invalidate, manipulate or cause harm.

These behaviours, when chronic, can severely impact your self-esteem, mental health and overall ability to live a fulfilling life. But before considering the extreme step of cutting ties, the first line of defence is establishing and maintaining clear, firm boundaries. Dr. Henry Cloud, a renowned psychologist and author, advises that ‘’boundaries define us. They define what I am and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.’’

Communicate assertively, not aggressively, by clearly stating your needs and limits. You are not obligated to attend every family gathering or answer every call if the interactions are consistently damaging.

Try not to get drawn into their arguments or attempts to provoke a reaction. You can listen politely, if you choose to engage without absorbing their negativity.

Despite your best efforts, expect that your attempts to enforce limits may be met with anger, guilt-tripping or further manipulation. Your resolve to maintain your boundaries is key.

Confide in a trusted friend or a professional therapist to seek support. Talking through these dynamics can provide validation, clarity and coping strategies.

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If despite your best efforts to set boundaries, the toxic behaviour persists, the option of estrangement, or cutting ties, can be considered. This is an incredibly painful and often last-resort decision, but one that may need to be done.