Confessions: I am scared I won't be a good stepmother

Hi Chris,

I'm in my late 30s and about to get married for the first time. I'm engaged to a really nice man, who's kind, and good to me, and so I'm full of optimism for the future.

But there's just one thing that's bothering me. He's a bit older than me and is a widower. That was all a while ago, and I'm not worried about anything to do with that.

But he has three children. I've met them all, and we seem to get along. But I'm not sure how to be a good step mum!

Any advice?

Step Mum

Chris says,

Hi Step Mum!

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Stepparents have a bad reputation, which isn't entirely fair, as many of them do a great job. But others do have problems. Because everyone behaves differently in a stepfamily. There can be less warmth. There's often tension and animosity. And sometimes things go badly wrong.

That's not because stepparents are bad people. It's just that parenting is so one-sided. Parents give and children receive. Parents willingly make those sacrifices for their children. But no one else does.

So it's parents' endless patience that's special. While we behave towards stepchildren as we would towards anyone else. Fortunately, most stepfamilies do live together successfully. But it takes a lot of work!

Although you love your new partner, you won't automatically love his children. And the children won't automatically love you, however nice you are. And it hurts when you want a relationship with a child who doesn't want a relationship with you.

So aim to be more like a friend with your partner's children than a parent. Expect that affectionate feelings between you will develop slowly. That way you'll be pleased when friendships develop and less upset when it takes longer than you hope.

Don't insist that your stepchildren call you mum. They might, but it's far more likely they won't. Instead, accept anything that you're OK with. You should also let their father be responsible for their discipline. Children deeply resent parental control from a non-parent.

Stepchildren also tend to prefer affection to be verbal, such as praise or admiration, rather than physical stuff like hugs and kisses.

Young children will probably adjust to you more easily because they're more accepting of a new adult. But they'll still get upset if they think their father's devoting more time to you than to them.

It's young teens who usually cause the most trouble, as they always do. Older teens tend to become less involved in stepfamily life and generally ease out of the family early. Which can be both hurtful and also a relief.

So you'll need sensitivity, tact, and the hide of a rhinoceros! But with luck, you could also be forming some lifelong and very rewarding friendships.

All the best,

Chris