Confessions: The unsettling effect of marrying down

I am 26, a mother of one and have been married for two years now. However, I got married at a time when I caught my former boyfriend cheating on me. I was angry and bitter with him that I ran into the arms of the guy I am with. I now realise I got married for the wrong reasons. I am a university graduate and my husband is a high school leaver. I have realised I don’t love him at all. We have a child together and this is what makes me stay with him. I have been faithful throughout the time we’ve been together as he treats us well but I think I’m being mean to myself and him since he needs to be with someone who loves him. What should I do?

{Esther}

What the readers say:

Esther, getting married to another man just because another one cheated on you was a costly mistake on your part. Yes, you were angry but anger and danger share many things in common apart from first letter ‘d’ in the word ‘danger’, when you are angry, you will likely cause danger, you are now in the danger that anger caused you. Pick up your pieces and realise life is not about education level but maturity. Getting a man of the same level can’t solve anything if you are not mature in your mind and life. He seems hard working and committed to his family in spite of the differences between the two of you.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

Your problem is your ego which you can take care of if you want. You have a husband and a caring father, whom many women would want to be with, I presume. If your problem is his education, help him become what you want and you can be ‘proud’ of instead of looking for a beast in the name of a learned husband with a good salary. Similarly, there are many successful marriages where women are better educated and get better salaries and still being the wives and partners they were meant to be.

{Tasma Saka}

Boke says:

Dear Esther,

This sounds like a rebound relationship. This is the kind that happens when an individual moves from one broken relationship into another within a short period of time, before healing and getting over the previous one. Therefore the individual may not be emotionally stable. Most of them are driven by anger, hate and shame. They seem to be trying to prove a point.

Ideally, such relationships do not last longer than the internal turmoil that one could be going through. From the look of things, you may have overstayed in that state.

Your anger is gone by now and you have realised that there is no one you are really hitting back at.

You can stay and work on this union although you have stated that you have done your best. Over time you must have had reasons to be attracted to this man. Just like any married couple, there are sufficient reasons to make the spouse stay, at the same time, there are enough reasons to make them want to quit.

The ball is in your court you can change your attitude and view towards this man. If you can be honest with yourself, this man has some good. Do not just focus on his lower education level, there is more to him.

However, if you do not find in your heart anything to keep you together, then you can go your way. Discuss this with him first. This is because he is better off without you than being with someone who resents him. Who knows, he might just find someone who sees a gem in him. We hope you too can find someone you will love genuinely. As you do this, also think of your child’s wellbeing.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Simon says:

Esther, I feel you and probably have an idea about what you may be going through. It is evident that you got into this relationship that has over time evolved into a marriage. This is often not the best way to get into a relationship but here you are; married with a child. We need to deal with this situation from this perspective. I am assuming that when you say you are married, it is not a come-we-stay arrangement rather that you are either formally married or things have been done to commit the two of you into a marriage.

This thing about him being a high school leaver and you a university graduate is neither here nor there for now. You are married to him and it is up to you to shape your perceptions about him. That he was not as educated, that he was struggling to make ends meet, these things did not come as a surprise, you knew this from the start. It is possible to learn to love and respect someone in spite of their status in life. You say he treats you and the child well – what more would you be looking for?

The truth of this matter is that he is the only man who can give that boy utmost fatherly love. Again, any man you get into a relationship with will also always have some reservations about why you left your previous marriage and if you will not do the same to him.

You can build this man up and make him the person you want him to be. It does not always have to be about financial support but also emotional, psychological and mentorship and soon he will measure up to your standards.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor