Dates, especially the first ones, are often filled with anxiety, being antsy and at times a tint of fear.
First dates are quite challenging and being on one with a person who is difficult to interact with only add to the complications.
Here are types of people that would make cringe-worthy dates
Nairobi traffic is unpredictable.
You make plans to meet at 5pm and you figure that an hour is enough time for the commute.
Then it happens that is the day that the traffic is on steroids and you get stuck in traffic, time moving fast, your date calling every five minutes to ask how far you are.
If you are a pathological liar like someone I know, you will say that you are already headed towards venue. 10 minutes later, you are not yet there and that dreaded call or text comes in. Then you have to formulate another lie to cover up for the previous lie.
You say unthinkable things like you went in the wrong direction or Mama Ngina Street being barricaded and now you have to walk back to River Road then connect with Moi Avenue. Totally unheard of.
Worse still, the date had earlier mentioned that they were very particular with time and have once cancelled a date because the other person was 5 minutes late.
The traffic finally clears, you are a tad bit late, you hurriedly walk and you arrive at the date sweating like a bull. Your date is the least bit impressed by your make up that is melting off your face. You look a mess and you know it.
You fumble and mumble through the date. You are clumsy and you just can’t wait to be out of there. Well, the date was bad but blame yourself for poor time keeping and outright lies. It is a flop and there will never be a second date.
This date is meticulously and impeccably dressed. Very smart. That is not the problem. The problem is they want to impose that on you. He talks about himself all evening long; how he likes being clean, how people have often thought he was gay and how he does not even sleep on his own bed because he doesn’t want to crease his bedding.
After you have ordered the food and it is served, he will swab the sides of the plate and puts the swab in a germ detector to see how clean the plate is.
You are shook. Like who does that?
You now see the reason why he did not go in for a hug when you first met and how immediately after your handshake, he used a hand sanitizer.
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You had thought that maybe he is just taking extra caution given the Coronavirus scare but no, he probably thinks you are filthy.
At the end of the date, you convince yourself that there is no way you could end up with a man with such high standards of cleanliness. You like your men a little rough on the edges, with ashy legs that have not seen lotion in decades.
This date just won’t listen. Their mind is wandering. It is everywhere, except here. You will be forced to repeat things a number of times over and they will most likely forget your name.
This date is absent-minded and shows you that they have absolutely no interest in you. They might have come for the food or to kill time.
He is on his phone half of the date, only looks up to ogle at your reception area and keep pausing mid-sentence because they has forgotten what they were saying, thanks to their wandering mind.
It is terrible. You will spend your time translating your soul simply because this person before you does not want to give you their ears.
There could be nothing as grueling as being seated across from someone that just won’t get it. Someone that is naturally not smart.
No intellectual conversation can be stricken. It is the same old how have you been and the answers are shallower than a dried up river during the dry spell.
This is someone who cannot think beyond their nose. They take things at face value and cannot get a joke that requires the slightest bit of intellect. So you have to translate the joke and it won’t be funny anymore because that is not how smart jokes work.
These are the kinds of dates that will bore you to the core because you cannot talk about anything substantial. They do not know a thing about politics, have no idea of what Brexit is or even that Governor Waititu has been impeached and that Trump got lucky as he was headed in that direction.
They have not read a book in their adult life and the only thing they know is the latest celebrity gossip which you have no interest in.
Dumb dates are bad. Do not be one.