I am 28 and working as a teacher around my home area. While working, I fell in love with this man who I have known for long but had never thought of dating. He was married but he told me that his wife left him because she was earning more money than he was and that they have an eight-year-old daughter. What often bothers me is that some of my uncles know his background very well and I think this would a problem if we decided to start a family. This is because he has a funny past with issues of drugs and alcohol but he tells me he has changed. I really love this man but he often pushes me away because he does not communicate frequently and openly. I am not sure what plans he has for me and how his wife and family will react to him marrying me. Please advise me.
What the readers say:
Agnes, has he introduced you to his parents? If not, do not even dare to tell your relatives about him and his plans because he may be just playing you. Men are always happy to take advantage of young and innocent girls so be careful with him.
Love is complicated, Agnes. His reactions should give you an indication of the kind of person he is then you can make your decision. Try calling him at odd hours, mostly in the middle of the night and see how he reacts.
Do you really know why he broke up with the first wife? Be careful not to fall in the same problem. Remember, when you marry a man, you marry his character as well. I doubt that it was all because of the money. There could be something else he is not saying.
You are still young and fresh in mind. Don't go for an opportunistic husband who is taking you as a second wife. Look for your own love where you can be the only lady in your man's life. You are still young and can find love.
Run as fast as you can, girl! This man is only out to take advantage of you then leave you either pregnant or with a child. This will ruin your chances of finding a man in future while he will move on to the next available girl.
Agnes, first and foremost it is important for you to clearly understand what kind of a marriage he had with his former wife and why they separated. This is important because if they were formally married i.e. church/civil wedding this will have to be fully resolved before he can make any concrete plans with you.
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Again, you mentioned that your uncles know his background and that this may be problematic. Why would his background be problematic? Does he have a bad reputation? If he is a person of questionable character, then I would ask why you are wasting your time and putting your future in the arms of a man who cannot be trusted.
Have it at the back of your mind that when talking about past and especially broken relationships, people usually only give their version or rather, the version that is convenient for them and for their situation. There may be more going on here than he is telling you. His behaviour towards you is also worrying -- he does not communicate effectively and is not open to you. These are the signs of a man who has several or many dark skeletons in his closet.
There is one other question I would ask with a lot of interest; has he actually proposed marriage to you? As a matter of fact, you may be worrying about what your uncles will think about you getting married to him while the issue of marriage features nowhere in his thoughts. I am quite convinced that this is the situation you have on your hands.
Lastly, I urge you to carefully think about committing your future to a man of questionable character. By doing so, you may be setting yourself up to be another statistic in his life. Why don’t you conduct your own background check on him? Many times, people don’t invest in this because they think it is too complicated. Generally, in relationships, where there is smoke, there is always fire so think carefully about that situation you are in.
Simon Anyona is a relationships counselor
It is possible for people to change for the better but we also know that people can be very consistent as far as character is concerned. When it comes to drugs and substance abuse, it becomes even more complicated depending on the extent of use. For substance abusers, it takes more than a desire to change, because they yielded their power to the substance.
The reason he is giving you as the cause of his marriage breakup is also not convincing. I hope you were not too quick to believe him. There is more to this man's story than you know.
Being attracted to him does not necessarily mean that you have to get married to him, especially with all the glaring mysteries around him. Imagine if we obeyed all the dictates of our feelings and did not allow reason to prevail?
This is one of those situations where you have to reason things out. In fact, from your own analysis, you do not seem to be comfortable with the circumstances in which this relationship will place you when you get married. From your sentiments, it seems the wife is not completely out of the picture.
Although you love this man, I think he is carrying way too much baggage which calls for you to be cautious. Before you make any decision, try to find out what exactly happens in those times when he goes silent and stops communicating. If you do not find an answer, I would advise you to run for your life.
You do not have sufficient information about this man and he is deliberately acting mysterious. In this case, there is nothing you can do -- unless you want to take a gamble.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology
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