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My wife is a policewoman and I have tried to be a loving husband to her but she keeps putting me off with her utterances, impatience and lack of understanding on issues. We have always had issues and one of the big ones is that our second daughter is allegedly not my daughter but my name is on the birth certificate and she has refused for us to take a DNA test. We have been separated for about two years although we sometimes meet and get intimate. I recently asked her if she wants to commit in marriage because I still love and have feelings for her but she said she wants to have her own life and she doesn’t even want me to have time with the children. My firstborn is starting to ask why I don’t come home and the second born recently referred to me as uncle but her elder sister corrected her. I don’t understand what is going on and I need help. Please advise.
What the readers say:
Jack, when a police officer tells you she has no feelings for you except for the casual sex you enjoy, you had better learn from that. You are serving her convenience and wasting your time. What do you want the DNA for and she has not asked for the upkeep of the child! You have lost her, talk about the children you had with her and unless you have nothing worthwhile to do with your life, can you walk on.
Jack, it is quite confusing what you want. You have said your wife keeps putting you off with her utterances and attitude. But on the other hand, you want her back? Is it possible that she doesn’t want you in her life because she has already made her desires known to you but you are not listening to her? Perhaps she doesn’t agree with your lifestyle or maybe you are not providing for the family the way you should. There is really more to your story that you are not telling us. Please fix whatever it is she wants you to fix and you will see her change.
One can feel your desire to get your family back on track. Unfortunately, the effort cannot be one-sided. These are some of the intrigues of any association, it takes both parties to have the interest of the relationship at heart for it to work. If both individuals want the union to work, then no challenge will be insurmountable but if they have different interests, any pebble is strong enough to crush them.
I strongly believe that these issues have weighed down on your wife. Unresolved matters have a way of draining us emotionally and your wife is most likely at that point where she feels like she cannot go on. I also do not believe that she is entirely to blame while you are completely innocent.
Your wife’s pronouncements and statements of her wanting to live her life is a clear indicator of where she is at as far as this marriage is concerned. I would suggest you give her some time to let things cool down before you bring up the matter again.
Also, note that for there to be a meaningful relationship between the two of you, you will need to revisit and resolve a number of issues in your past. These issues are well known to both of you. If you get to that point, I strongly recommend that you have a marriage counsellor walk with you through this. For now, shield the children from the toxic environment but still play those fatherly roles that will not agitate any of you.
Hopefully, with time, she will reconsider her position. If not, carry with you the lessons.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology
Jack, I think this lady is done with you and has decided to move on with her life. There are some glaring facts to this issue and I think you should get some solid feedback and clarification from her so that you could get to a position of making clear decisions about your life.
For starters, she says that her second daughter is not your biological child and it seems she has even extended this narrative to her which is why she could be calling you “uncle”. Second, she seems not to want anything to do with you only that you still have feelings for her. Three, she will not let you take a DNA test probably because she is not ready to give you clear answers to your questions probably because she wants to keep you close to her at her disposal.
Through this situation, you will need to decide on the direction you want to take for your life since you cannot keep hanging on to her while she is communicating in very clear terms that she is not ready to be with you. Yes, you have children together but it is clear to establish their paternity and if it turns out positive in your favour, you will need to agree on how privileges and responsibilities are going to be shared out.
If there are any responsibilities she will want you to take then she needs to come out clean. She will also need to follow through with the discussion about the privileges that will be due to you which will include child visitation rights among others.
This woman could be having her heart and mind elsewhere and that could be the reason she is even starting to turn the children against you. It is rather unfortunate for a woman to tell her partner that a child or children within their family is not their paternal child and by this, I believe she may not be acting on her own free will but could be under the influence of something such as pressure from another man.
Be decisive on this matter and know that sometimes as a man and just in many other things in this life, you will need to count your losses and move on with the hope that tomorrow will be better.
Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor
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