Girl code: Ex thinks he can co-parent remotely?

In my next life, I would really love to come back as a Kenyan man. Not just any Kenyan man but one who simply doesn’t give a hoot about what people say about his wrong decisions. There’s nothing as enjoyable and as free as this species of the Kenyan man.

These are the same men who will walk with their heads held high up even as they walk away from someone whose heart they have just broken into pieces. I am still not sure what happened to those Kenyan men who would hug you and assure you that everything is fine. The ones currently gracing this land are those who will step on your foot and when you start wailing, they will giggle and walk away. Someday, I would really love to see what life is through their eyes. Maybe I will understand what really drives them.

These are the same humans who will get you to conceive for them after making you think you are reading from the same script only for them to sit and watch your tummy grow from a distance. You would be forgiven for thinking they are scientists studying the moon from the earth before they pounce on it. They are like fish that live on the floor of the sea all its life but know everything that happens on land. They will follow your pregnancy journey from the time you first throw up to the time you make the final push at the delivery room. They will even know the number of stitches your baby earned you.

Just have a look at these men who took off from a relationship after conception. Have a close look at them. They will have their children as their profile photos on various social media platforms -- children they have never set eyes on physically. They are the loudest at the table where parents are giving their views on parenting yet the most they have done is bring up their children online using likes and downloads. Always there on time to like and download their children’s photos from their mothers’ pages, that’s for those mothers brave enough to share parenting moments on these platforms.

It’s horrible for those who cannot raise their children online using ‘likes’ and ‘comments’, they will shamelessly stalk the mothers from all angles. No single event that involves their children will miss their eyes or their ears, but will always miss their wallets. How smart! Then you will find them resting their small behinds somewhere talking about what it takes to raise children while all it has taken them is their thumbs as they press the ‘download’ button!

I really would wish to get a piece of the courage these humans possess. You will single-handedly carry a pregnancy with him out of sight yet they 'never left your side'. These men have mastered the art of raising their children in their minds. They will sit down and imagine that they have walked with you during your pregnancy, that they are with you in the delivery room and that they are paying for all your bills. Their imagination is so healthy you will even see them physically stretching their hands as if to hand over their debit cards to be swiped during every transaction.

Where these men get the guts to watch their own flesh and blood grow from a distance is still a mystery to me. I will one day dedicate a whole year just to study this species of men and I promise to come back to you with my findings, fully supported by photos and videos. At some point, I am tempted to think that they are omnipresent. I don’t have the proof just yet.

So next time you come across such a man, kindly interrogate him for me. Let us do this research together. 

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