Confessions: Will he really leave her and marry me?

I have been dating this guy for about a year and I recently moved in with him only to find out that he has a 7-month-old child with his ex-girlfriend and that he is supporting her financially. I called her up some time and she was straight forward with me that the child is his and that they are planning to get married. According to him, the child was conceived after a one night stand and that she trapped him into this. He says that he will not marry her even though the child is his. On several occasions, he has asked her in my presence to bring the child to him and we shall take care of him but she vehemently refuses and maintains that she is moving in with him – as he had promised. He has proven that he really loves me but I don’t know what to do if she moves in like she says she will. I really love him and don’t want to lose him. Please advise me.

{Lillian}

What the readers say:

What you have now is the concrete evidence that he belongs to someone else. Men will always be men and will never say the truth even if he has ten children. There are many men out there ready to embrace you like a queen, forget him and start life afresh also learn from the past. 

{Chepokemoi Ngenoh}

You should ask him to clear this issue once and for all by going for a DNA test. If the child is his but he still wants to marry you then solemnize your marriage quickly to avoid future setbacks in your marriage.

{Jennifer Wangui}

Quit fooling yourself as there is nothing you can do to make the child disappear. This relationship has gone stale but another man is waiting for you. Love never prevails with dishonesty.

{Jane Mwende}

The man is double-dealing the two of you so I advise you to get the other woman and have a meeting with him and some members of his family about this. Have an open discussion and find a good way forward about how he intends to balance everything. It will be very difficult for you to raise another woman’s child while she is still alive and well. 

{Onyango Outha}

The man is being honest with you and you know very well that the lady cannot force herself into his life. She can come to the house but the law will throw her out. Be obedient to your husband and support him whenever need be and together build a family.

{Tasma Saka}

Boke says:

Dear Lilian,

Anyone who lays blame entirely on another person and takes no responsibility whatsoever for their actions should not be taken seriously. So all these stories of being trapped and being a one night stand should be scrutinised. Unless otherwise, getting a child is such a conscious action that one cannot completely remove themselves and claim innocence.

Why did he have to wait until you discovered for yourself that he had a child? If his story is true, when was he going to tell you? Yet you seem to be making serious progress in your relationship.

Another area of concern is the time between his relationship with the baby mama and you. It is a blurred period. There is no telling when the other relationship ended and when you started. Therefore it is possible that he has been seeing both of you all this time. These are possibilities and it is not easy to know who is telling the truth between your boyfriend and the mother of the child.

I would suggest that you slow down as far as this relationship is concerned not because you have made a conclusion but because you need time to look at the whole picture and reflect through. Do not allow anyone to play games with you. Also, consider moving out for the time being until you have a clear perspective of the whole matter.

Once you are convinced, go ahead and make a decision. If the situation is too much for you, feel free to walk away. There is no need to be sorry about your move.

Suppose you decide to stay, insist on the truth every step of the way. In addition, there should be timely communication particularly, on how to take care of the baby. Both of you should agree on a favourable work plan.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships

Simon says:

It takes two people to bring a child into this world. It does not matter if the sex was consensual, if either of them was married or dating or if they were willing to get a child or not; if everything was at the right place at the right time – a child is bound to be conceived. If the child was born and the child is his, they must have had sex. The claim that it was a one night stand is totally irrelevant – probably what he knows you want to hear. What matters is that they have a child together, not the number of times they could have had sex because that changes nothing. The facts of this matter are that they have a child together, he is dating you, you are living with him and the other girl wants his support. The other important thing to note is that she cannot move into your house regardless of the number of children she will bear for him so no need to panic on this.

Over my years as I have come to realize that the problems we encounter are not usually the “real problem” the “real” problem is our perception towards the problem. So he has a child with her now you feel betrayed and afraid about the future among many other things. The first step to such a problem is to accept it. With this, you need to get a clear understanding of his position through this.

This other woman has his child and you are yet to bear him one. He ought to come out clean and stop hiding behind the one-night stand story because well, it really doesn’t matter. Further, you also need to stop wishing on a shooting star and hoping that she will take her child and bring her to you to take care of her. That chid is her only leverage and anyway, no woman in her right mind would ever entertain such a thought. The other important thing to note is that if you see your friend’s head being shaved, prepare yours as well. If he has the courage to deny and convince you that he is not interested in her then he will most probably impregnate you and move on to the next woman and tell her the same thing he is telling you. He should make it clear who he intends to marry and if it is you commit to ensuring that he takes his responsibilities as long as she does not interfere with your relationship.

{Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor}