Sexual healing: Could your favourite movies be ruining your sex life? - Evewoman
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Between The Sheets

Sexual healing: Could your favourite movies be ruining your sex life?

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This past week, we heard about the state of our union as Kenyans. It got me thinking that this would also be a good time for you to consider the state of your union, specifically the question, “Could the movies, magazines and TV shows whose content you consume be ruining your sex life?”

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One of the most common sex killers is pressure. Movies, TV shows and magazines can bring with them plenty of pleasure, but, unfortunately, plenty of pressure too. They can normalise experiences that you may be trying and failing to replicate, all in the name of great sex. Before you know it, there is now the pressure to perform at the highest levels, where every sexual experience is – consciously or subconsciously – held to standards of excellence that are part and parcel of your entertainment experiences.

Some people have developed the idea that every sexual experience must include candles, fancy dinners, extravagant dates, sexy lingerie, Michelin Star food, bubble baths and perfectly-lit sex, all done to prove our love or lovability. Anything short of that is perceived as proof of a lack of value on the person or the relationship.

Cut the pressure

In reality, this pressure can be toxic to an otherwise normal, functional, happy relationship. Think about it; some of you may not enjoy kissing and yet here you are, held to the standard of a long, wet, French kiss. What is intended to be an expression of deep and delicious sexual expression is all of a sudden turned into a messy, uncomfortable affair that could lead to resentment.

It’s important that you extricate yourself, your relationship and your sex life from what you see reflected to you as the norm. This so-called ‘norm’ is actually a scripted experience, for your entertainment, not mimicry.

So you want a candle-lit dinner when the cost of that dinner is equivalent to your rent. Must that signal the end of your love? I sincerely hope not! So you think that a couple’s bubble bath sex is the ultimate symbol of couple intimacy yet your home only has one shower. Maybe you or your partner’s idea of a good time does not include soaking in dirty, cooling bath water.

No porn lessons

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And that porn that you both enjoy watching? It is NOT supposed to be used as a ‘how to’ guide, and if you can’t separate the two, then you have no business consuming that kind of content. In fact, this would hold true for most of the content that couples consume; either begin to understand that entertainment is simply that, or desist from engaging in the sort of entertainment that leads you down that road that may be paved with good intention, but leads straight to sex and relationship hell.

Part of maturity is knowing how to separate yourself from somebody else’s craft, i.e. the ability to read or watch something without personalising it without the benefit of weighing its benefits to you.

If you cannot participate in an online discussion about infidelity amongst couples, for example, without pelting your otherwise ‘perfect’ partner with accusations of infidelity, then you have no business consuming that content. In other words, take on the responsibility of protecting your sex life and your relationship from external, scripted influences.

Do you

Create your own blueprint. I know that it sounds obvious to some of you but others may need to face some difficult truths e.g. is it possible that in your pursuit for the perfect relationship, you have been choking the life out of your current relationship?

Part of why couples do this is because it is easier to follow a blueprint of something than it is to create your own, from scratch.

However, when it comes to the relationship and the sex that you want, it really is in your best interests to do the work of understanding your own needs and those of your partner so that you can follow a blueprint that makes sense within the context of your coupling.

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This is an opportunity for you to create the kind of intimacy that adds true value instead of the mass produced connection that you may have been fashioning yourselves after.

The key thing to remember is that blueprint creation is an ever-evolving process and not a one-size-fits-all quick fix so, in addition to being patient with yourselves, leave room for some disappointment as you figure things out, and then determine to have fun as part of the process.

Now, you get to figure out how much sex you would like to have and how much sex you are supposed to have, according to the movies or magazines that you have been reading.

You actually get to design your entire relationship – in and out of bed – in a way that prioritises both your needs, and leads you to true intimacy that makes sense to you.

As you take time to give the state of your union its own assessment, I wish you the kind of sexual blueprint that will fill your lives and loins with joy!

 

Maggie Gitu is a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist.

She can be reached at [email protected]

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