I am 32 years old, married with two children. We live apart though as I’m pursuing further studies. We have lived separately for several years and I think this situation is getting complicated. I recently met a woman at work and I am attached to her. I think I have fallen in love and I fear losing her to another man but on the other hand, I can’t imagine losing my family. I’m confused and I don’t know what to do. Please advise...
Billy, please know that she is also going through the same things you are. She also misses you, she also gets tempted by other men but as a faithful wife, you would want her to resist all those attempts and remain faithful to you. This other woman will only expose you to many things including unwanted children, the risk of having a polygamous family and maybe even STIs. Leave, let go and wait for your wife. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
You no longer trust your wife now that she is away but I remind you that you married her for better or for worse. If you can afford it please pay your wife a visit but if you can’t, just be patient and wait for her. I would discourage you from keeping the other woman as a secret lover for the sake of your family. Remember you have a wife and children to protect. There is no hurry for these things and you will never be fully satisfied so you might as well wait for your wife.
You cannot fall in love with another woman without necessarily letting go of your family. Bear in mind that your children are the priority in your life now and you should strive to remain faithful to your wife and to your family. Please make sure she never finds out about this.
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Remember that as you fall in love with this other woman, your wife is holding on to you. There is the real risk of STIs, break-up or even death. If you feel that you just cannot hold on, then make plans to be close to her whatever that takes but do it for the sake of your marriage. Finally, you are not in love with the other woman, you’re infatuated.
Billy, many people nowadays are in relationships or marriages that are long distance in nature due to various commitments and the most-common is work and studies. People in such relationships face several challenges which include loneliness, uncertainty and enormous differences between each party’s expectations about the relationship and the realities of the situation at hand. Prolonged loneliness makes people vulnerable to temptation and the emotional disconnect from having to communicate using artificial means often opens up gaps that ought to be filled. The likelihood of straying is in many instances fueled by uncertainty about the other party’s fidelity.
It is unfortunate that your relationship turned long distance quite early. Generally, long distance relationships are easier for couples who are mature and have been together for a while. Nonetheless, I believe that you love your wife and care about your family and you tried your best to wait for her until you met this other lady. I also believe that you are not necessarily in love with this other lady. You are only attracted to her probably for obvious reasons key of which is sexual gratification. If your wife was around, the likelihood of getting attracted to the other lady would significantly reduce and probably be eliminated.
You may need to come to the realisation that you are not in love but are only attracted to her. We did not get to understand for how long you will remain separated from your wife but being that the reason for the separation is studies; I am inclined to believe that this is not a long-term situation. All is not lost and you can salvage your marriage. Yes, if you carry on with the current relationship, you will one day find out about this the longer you stay in this relationship, the higher the chances of developing permanent strings that may lead to children and another family which will complicate the already complicated situation.
Remember that it is also not easy for her and see how you can make your emotional bond even stronger. Build communication and be honest with each other. Keep regular contact and make the relationship feel as if she was just a stone’s throw away. However, take time to visit each other as some issues may only be sorted out physically also to reassure each other that everything will be ok.
Simon is a relationships counsellor who helps couples face the hard truth towards finding reasonable solutions for their problems
Long distance relationships have their share of challenges. Long distance and prolonged absence can be a major threat to any relationship. While academic and career advancement is commendable, the individuals must come up with modalities of operation so as not to harm their relationship.
I am glad you love your family and you do not want to lose it. What you’re are facing is a distraction and you need to look beyond it. You have just met this lady who you do not know much about and is appealing and attractive. I can almost guarantee you will have a different opinion about her if you get to know her better.
People or things show up constantly in our lives and they can easily distract. When such appear, remember what you are committed to. She may be super good but remember you have a family you love. Commitment is the glue that holds marriages together.
All the same, find ways of reducing the period of absence by planning regular visits. It can be expensive but it is a worthy price to pay for a relationship. You could also explore the option of one of you joining the other so that you’re together. That is if you still have a long way to go in your education. Work out a compromise.
Otherwise, there’s nothing extraordinary about this lady. Remember your devotion and allegiance to your family and resist the intrusion.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage.
I have been married for eight years now and have three children. My husband works at an non governmental organisation and things have been moving on well until he started getting very close to his boss who is 14 years older than him. He now comes home late claiming to be from business meetings with her and he says that he has to keep up with this to keep his job. He started drinking and our intimacy is now dead. His boss does not respect me and does not even talk to me when we meet. He is the breadwinner as I am a housewife but as time goes by, I am feeling helpless. I have tried engaging him about this but he becomes defensive and worked up for no reason. He no longer listens and does not even seem to care about me. Please advise…
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