Here are things women wish their men would do if they decided to have ‘side chics’

I was speaking to some women after our monthly creative writing session last Saturday.

Some people have their chamaa meetings once every month, we have these sessions called AMKA for mentoring young writers every last Saturday of the month at the Goethe Institute.

Anyway, later, the topic came up about ‘these cheating men.’ One of the ladies, mid-twenties, with a purple-coloured Mohawk, a fiance and a baby, who admitted that she has an ‘old soul’ – (and as if to prove it, only listens to the soul music of the 1990s in those fancy iTune things that are de rigeur in far-from-slay cultural types) – had four ‘No Go’ areas for men who must cheat. A-ids and other STDs, VDs, and S.T.I.s

There’s a reason they put all the above diseases in acronyms, amigos, and that is because they range the spectrum from embarrassing to outright deadly. (Yesterday, by the way, was the World AIDS day). 

‘Don’t screw around,’ said the Mo-Hawk lady, ‘but if you do, strap on! – use protection.’ Nobody wants to have to say, ‘honey, I brought home a VD,’ and the woman of the house replies: ‘You did? Put it in the DVD we watch it as we eat dinner, darling.’

Babies and other dependents

Put aside diseases for a moment, even as you think of your family as a man. A second thing – (okay, human being) – that the Lady in the Purple Mohawk said should be avoided at all costs is creating offspring that aren’t wanted.

Many men know the story – ‘but I gave her money and a reference but she didn’t abort.’

Now the problems begin, from single motherhood (a blessing, yes, best when it is by choice) to bringing ‘issues’ (that’s what they are called in court) for a woman who is already the mother of your own legitimate children. Don’t be a bastard, pardon the pun. Control your man gun.

Co-wives and long-term ‘clandes.’

Some men are cold and just hit and run, others just get into the ‘heat of the moment,’ and before they know it, they are in for the ride of a lifetime. I know we were told we are African men, but there is many a man lying under a banana grove somewhere because he told his Number One that he intended to bring her a Number Two.

And what’s with getting attached to that college girl in Komayole, so much so, that your big-butt motor vehicle MUST be found parked beneath the clothesline, with some Beryl Bae’s big brasserie dripping water onto its sunroof? Women say don’t attach to a ‘mpango wa kando.’

Drought in the house

Then there is that fourth and last and worthless breed of men in Kenya.

You have seen their women on TV, screaming about the children eating sukuma wiki in the house all weekend, while the fellow is out on the town, buying funny women whiskey by the barrel. These are the depths of irresponsibility. One’s family must always be TOP priority.

Someone say ‘A Men’ Only.

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