Break up rules that should be broken

So one Saturday you are sitting on your sofa, legs up, beer can open, ready to watch the Liverpool versus Manchester United match – your only thought being ‘les’ go Man U, lez go!’

Seven minutes to game time, she walks in, in that glorious ‘summer dress’ (the sleeveless frock with flowers that ends above her knees with those bare calves) and tells you ‘we are over.’

‘No,’ you say, ‘I’m pretty sure Lukaku will make Liverpool regret the day they were born.’

(Liverpool were founded in 1892, by the way, but the only blue blood birth happened thirteen years later, when Chelsea FC was birthed on March 10, 1905).

‘I am leaving you for Sam,’ she says.

‘Sam, your workmate?’ you say, shaking your head – because all you can recall of Sam (from their annual X-Mas bashes) is a short balding guy with hairy arms, who leers at her.

‘Sam my soul mate!’ she says, and at that moment a motor revs up – and she runs out of your shared house forever, into Sam’s car. (He came to provide security, just in case you ‘went nuts.’ As if you are an Administration Policeman)!

So what do the Break-up rules say, in such a situation?

Do Not Drink

This makes sense … for at least five minutes before you begin sobbing into your duvet.

It is Saturday night – so go out there for the biggest binge, the greatest bender of your life.

Get wasted and show up very plastered to howl for an intervention and hopeful reunion.

Go to the bar, provoke a bouncer, and get thumped. Text her at midnight threatening suicide!

Trust me, you will wake up so injured and humiliated (and sick) the following Tuesday, you’ll decide, by yourself, that no heartbreak is worth this hurt – and vow to not be pathetic.

Do Not Revenge

Would you pay heed to someone who told you not to lick an ice-cream on a sweltering hot day?

Then why listen to anyone trying to stop you feeding from the fruit of fury of Eden?

If you are slimy, leak her ‘funny’ photos online, if a real scoundrel sleep with a close relative or friend of hers, if you can.

Seize any asset you bought. And text her ‘see you in court!’ Be unreasonable – after all, she’s the one that took off with small Sam, so why should you be nice?

Do Not Date for a while

This is definitely rubbish advice that was written by a famously ugly psychologist – then taken as gospel truth by the rest of the bunch.

Why sit there pining for Ms. Sunflower Dress when you could be out there, getting to know the flirt from Finance, your Facebook single good looker or any of the ‘forbidden fruit’ – flavours you dared not sample because you were dating her?

Think of the ‘Good times’ … and then let them go

What a piece of bosh! People in the past burned photographs – these days they ‘delete’ them.

But what you really need is to ‘degrade’ the person, or ‘devalue’ them in your head.

Instead of thinking how ‘hot’ they were, or whatever, mentally enhance your ‘bad’ images of the person – the way they complained and nagged constantly, that awful smoking habit, the way they wouldn’t close the door when they were in the bathroom ( and by ‘bath,’ I mean ‘toilet.’). Soon you’ll find yourself wondering why you did not beat them to the ‘Dump’ button.

Take Time to Mourn, then Slowly Move On

Why ‘go slow’ when she is moving on swiftly with the Hairy One? (Someone say ‘amen’ here).

And why mourn someone who is still very much alive? Kill them quickly – in your heart. And then operate as if they were dead! In fact, the next time you two should see each other, if it can be helped, is at either one of your funerals, if at all. (Of course if you can BOTH see each other, at one of your funerals, then one of you has bigger problems than the ancient breakup to worry about). Learn from your past mistakes, fall in love with someone better – and never stop living, because of her leaving.

A year, or three, or five down the line, you may wake up one sunny Saturday inside a charmed life, and realize leaving you was the best decision that lady ever made – if not for herself, then definitely for you.