Hilarious sex fails during intimate encounters

As embarrassing as most of us are about sex fails, they still do happen to even the beyonces of the world. So as much as you think yours is the worst, you may not be too far from the worst. Everybody has the worst sex fails but there’s nothing to be shy about. Since we got that cleared out, big girls, let’s get nasty.

Pinky scare

You had a great dinner gaggled down some cans of beer, well because you are a classy girl and he got to work for it yeah? So you play a little hard to get, I mean what girl don’t love the chase? You go back to his house, he pours you some wine, you enjoy it because it could be the last time he treats you this special. After he hit it all you get is aqwodhe of a hundez (quatre hunters) to tipsy you into the mood.

Jolly you, dives right into the trap happily, well, until a naked not so endowed man in socks is smiling as if it’s funny. Talk of nature at its glory. This is sad because can you actually escape this?

You a Big girl, figure it out or just take in the little man for a walk, you lose nothing. Maybe just a good thrust.

Longest 5 seconds

Dressing the little man has been weird since Adam. There’s nothing to shy about, we all have been there. That weird moment your legs are spread out, and it’s tingling cold down there but he is taking his time to put on a condom.

This is when you should definitely forgive your thoughts. I mean how hard can that be, just roll the thingie up your thingie, you think, but that takes another two hours in your head.

Wait, should I look or not? What or where exactly should I look? Should I look at his face grrrrrrrr that’s weird, no no no, but he is looking at his little man…should I join him and share the view, okay that’s a little too weird. Let me peep… this is where its-been-a-minute actually makes sense quit misinterpreting it as a greeting.

 Busted condom

Well, this is prone to happen because the sex too good or the condom is damn cheap. Pick your take and be honest to you girl, if it’s cheap please do yourself the courtesy of pointing that out.

Well, you can be real and just savage it out or you can suggest better brands of condoms without embarrassing your man. For a first time it could be weird and trust me the thought of a baby will literally give you that finger of god moment and that will wrap up your night in a little gift box called pregnancy scare.

 Best you can do here is choose to be happy, and pick up another pack of three (hoping he’ll go all the way) and think about your baby’s name tomorrow.

The ‘unmourning’ man

Phew it’s finally home! Now we can play some kalongolongo. Yes please do judge- it isn’t worth the sex label. You blink in slow-mo, bite your lower lip and try to re-focus from that confusing ordeal. The silence becomes too loud and you chungulia, see if things are alright or he probably died. But he is just starring in blank air and rocking you like a chair.

Meeeen! The night is already too sad the least a grown man would to during sex is groan. Better feel it or let’s sleep.

Stuck condom

You breathe out and let out yourself be because it is just normal to do so and you are nothing but normal. But wait,why the is he humping already!

We big girls love the drive building up. Take me srowry, no need to jump 0-100 in the first five minutes. What are we gonna do for the whole night. Sleep?

 Anyway, moving on swiftly, Just to show case his skills, amekupinduapinduuua. Trust that tomorrow you will not walk. Not because you had breathtaking sex, but some senseless yoga. Tsk.  Men.

Katika hio harakati, he drops his sweaty body weight on yours. And rolls over like he came from construction work. Talks to his little man.  NOThing.  NOTHing. NOTHINGG!

You just did not. Then there goes his question. ‘ ha…hav…have you seen the condo…’  Stop right there son, better start digging before I whoop your dead a**. Careless bwoy.