Barmaids are every married woman's nightmare

Money, sex, soccer and liquor, in no particular order, are the top four things on the minds of every typical Kenyan man.

That's why your hubby goes to the local pub after work to watch soccer or discuss a business deal over a bottle or two of his favourite drink, and get a quick lay before coming home with a kilo of roasted meat to fool you.  Now, it's at these local joints where your biggest threat lurks dear married woman. That threat is the barmaid. A woman who still wears petticoats, bikers and recycled weaves and plies her trade in a village pub or an Eastlands hood like Umoja. 

These barmaids know all the cops in the area, gang members, day preachers-cum-wizards and estate sluts. That barmaid might have three children with different men, and cannot spell her name, but she can still get your husband's attention.

A barmaid needs tips to survive before her meagre pay checks in at the end of the month. She knows that to get a fat tip, she has to play 'Miss Nice.' That's where they beat the long-suffering wives hands down. A man walks into his house from work, tired to the bones and hungry after a long day of toil in the office. His ungrateful and ill-mannered could care less about the poor soul that hauls the bacon for the family. She'll be engrossed on her phone busy gossiping on WhatsApp and giggling at balderdash from fellow demented women.

She'll briefly lift her head up and nonchalantly say, "Nimefunika food kwa kitchen ka unajiskia" and continue focusing on her phone. But when the man walks into the local, she's welcomed like a king by the barmaid. Her disarming smile and concern about his welfare and day are irresistible for a harassed man. Then she charmingly enquires what he'll have and serves him with an aura of sweetness and humility.

These women have mastered the art of stroking a man's ego, the number one weakness of men that wives have failed to take advantage of. When a man shouts half way into his bottle that, "Hii beer iko flat, sitalipa!" they do not retort back like the wife back at home whenever a man complains about a poorly-cooked meal. Instead, the barmaid smiles coyly and gets another bottle for 'his highness' and mumbles a fake apology. At the end of the night, the man will pay for the very beer he swore he will not pay for and would have bought a few more for the 'loyal servant.' 

See, these barmaids know how to build rapport with customers. They know when a man is broke and how to cheer him up. Besides offering pints on credit for the man to drown his sorrows, they are pretty good listeners too.  But what do wives do? They become aggressive, abusive even, at the slightest of whiff of a broke man. That's when they sleep in coveralls to dissuade the man from entertaining any lungula thoughts. Even if the woman has a pretty stash somewhere, she would rather buy a Sh5k wig than loan the guy Sh100 for the family's ugali-sukuma dinner. 

Not surprisingly, when the man gets paid, the first beneficiary would be the barmaid. That day she'll go home with a hefty tip. Unlike the mama at home who is likely to rummage through her drunken husband's pockets for money or incriminating evidence, the barmaid would actually keep the money and other valuables and return them back in one piece the following day.

They are masters, or is it mistresses, in the art of seduction. A barmaid understands that smiling or faking a laugh at a man's dry jokes, offering  a shoulder for the man to rant about his jackass of a boss, a failed business deal and of course a little show of cleavage, are what it takes for him to be a regular.

And you still wonder why barmaids make for great mpango wa kando for your man? Thank God for barmaids. I respect their hustle...and they keep wives on their toes. Sema compe!