Mates who are addicted to free wi-fi hotspots

My roommate is a four-foot tall Kisii guy who speaks fast and walks even faster. He likes his bed neatly made (at all times) and his bananas mashed and served in a plate. Frankly speaking, he’s a weird jamaa. And I don’t know if it’s just him or it’s a Kisii thing but he likes to talk with food in his mouth. It’s disgusting and unsettling.

For the sake of this article, we’ll call him Chacha (because I haven’t met one Kisii chap not named Chacha.) Chacha is never in the room. I used to assume he was just busy, getting laid a lot (like the rest of us) but I soon discovered he really wasn’t. He was into something else; Wi-Fi.

There’s Wi-Fi in the hostels but the signal strength is always pathetic so most guys just go to the Graduation Square; where it’s strongest. I discovered this is where Chacha spends his mornings, afternoons, evenings.

Hell, even Friday evenings. While some of us will be busy irrigating our throats and trying to make bad decisions, Chacha and his ilk will be braving the cold at the Graduation Square, just so they can update their statuses on Facebook and tweet.

I once came back to school at 4am, after a really messed up night in town. Staggering, head heavy as metal, feet weaker than boiled noodle sticks. And, even at that time, there were still students at the Graduation Square; covered in Maasai shawls, bent over their laptops, downloading what I assumed to be adult movies because what else would someone be downloading at four in the morning? Antivirus softwares? A child, please!

I remember thinking, what is it some people do in Wi-Fi hotspots all day and night? What is so urgent you have to fix using the Internet at 4am? Do you not have a bed? Do you not love your bed? Is your bed not cosy enough? Infested with bedbugs, maybe? Do you not have a life? Do you not have a first year girlfriend to confuse like everyone else? What time do you guys get between the sheets? Is it that bad? Is it you or is it her? I have a lot more questions, just not enough space.

Methinks all campuses should shut down their free Wi-Fi. I am told this madness is across all campuses. Yes, shut down the whole shebang. Because, Wi-Fi in schools is like a drug; it is addictive as hell. And someone hooked on to a drug cannot simply leave it on his/her own. Wi-Fi addicts need help. I rank them with drug addicts in the same category. Because, and again I ask, what would someone be doing in a Wi-Fi zone at four in the morning? Come home, Chacha. Come home.