Are Campus chics only good at drinking, twerking and nookie?

I have been in campus for four years now, and I can safely say I haven’t met any girl worth my attention, time, or love (*scoff*). It’s okay if someone else has met someone they feel truly deserves their heart, I’m just saying I haven’t; and this is my column and here, there’s no democracy.

A huge chunk of the current generation campus girl is a lost lot. I’ll tell you that for free. And what’s worse is that it has got to a stage where nothing can be done to help them change their ways; the world can do nothing but sit by (preferably with a bowl of popcorn in hand) and watch them sail on to their own destruction.

You see, a good number of campus girls of today are nothing but lazy bimbos with nothing in their brains but thoughts of getting married (as second, third, fourth or fifteenth wives) to some rich white guy with a wrinkled manhood. Campus girls don’t even go to class anymore; they don’t hand in assignments or sit for Continuous Assessment Tests. They spend most of their days getting their nails and hair done, scrolling through Kim Kardesians’, Amber Rose’s and other celeb’s Instagram feeds, or rubbing their tiny behinds against the loins of anyone who can buy them a bottle of Jack Daniels at this or that night club.

Have you tasted food cooked by a campus girl lately? This girl I held in high esteem and had thoughts of ‘wifing’ invited me over to her place for dinner the other weekend. She made me a meal of rice, cabbages and meat stew containing waru (she’s Kikuyu, of course there was going to be waru.)

Halfway through the meal, I paused and asked her: “Okay, what’s your plan here, poison me to death?” Chewing the cabbages felt like chewing ground up tablets of piriton; the meat stew had so much soup, my plate looked like a bloody island. The rice, boy the rice, it was so dry, it almost felt like I was eating sand. I mean, guys, really, how is it possible to not cook bad rice?

But, because everything that has its negatives must surely have a few positives, campus girls also have a few areas where they excel. The foremost being drinking. Campus girls drink like fish, and shamelessly so. Put a bottle of Jameson in front of a campus mami, rush to the loo for a quick call of nature then come back here and tell me if there will still be something – anything – in that bottle when you get back to the table.

The second thing is getting between the sheets. Once you’ve bought your campus girl that bottle of Jameson, omera that mami can get you dislocating your waist. Just ask any ‘sponsor’. This is a hobby to most of the campus girls. So, depending on how you look at it, I guess the campus girl is not all filled with flaws, aye?