10 Housewives everybody hates in Kenyan plots

Being condemned to living in plots dictates that we put up with strange characters in the name of being a good neighbor. It doesn’t matter whether their great grandfathers were murderers, wachawi  or notorious night runners.

Yet, there are times when you smile while ndani you feel like evicting them, but unfortunately the plot ain't yours, since you are also a tenant.

The worst are nasty housewives known for their reign of terror in many hoods. Here are 10 types of despicable housewives who you’d wish to burn in the hottest corner of hell:

1. Mama Boi 4-1-1

Mama Boi has all the udaku about everybody, including what her victims don’t know about themselves. She knows at what time the Githurai chick of ‘Rasta’ in house number 11B comes to chew mogoka while listening to pumped up reggae.

She even knows when she leaves her Bob Marley boots and rasta-coloured shawls. Domestic squabbles are her strong area of specialization, and she can describe in minute detail the 4-1-1 about all kichwa ngumu wives who were issued with vita vya kikombe by their husbands!

2. Mama brats

Mama brats only affords a feeble “Nitawachapa” and needless to add she doesn’t beat her kids who bring the whole plot to a standstill by their uncouth behavior. They hurl insults at other kids and are disrespectful in front of elders. They call older people by their names. That’s not all, these kids like scribbling explicit messages on jirani’s car and even play at their doorstep, leaving a heap of mud.

3. Mama Ninja

No one knows why this mama never joined KDF as part of ‘Operation Linda Nchi.’ She has fought neighbours, passers-by and even strangers in town and she isn’t cowed by assault charges against her.

Indeed, even during Christmas when all are cheery, Mama Ninja will crawl from the woodwork and start adjusting her skirt and clenching her fists ready for a fight!

4. Mama ‘Kadosi’

She believes that her husband is the richest man north and south of the plot and the situation goes overboard if hers is the only household with DStv, blender, heavy woollen carpets, and her hubby gasses a Prado, while those in the lower-end of the food chain ride in Toyotas, boda bodas, ‘black mambas’ or have ‘Footsu-bishi,’ ‘Shoe-baru’ and ‘Walk-wagen!’ She will cook with the pressure cooker outside and throw meat in the dustbin saying, “Aki sisi huwa hatupendi red meat!”

5. Mama omba

It’s okay for people to borrow once in a while, even our government is in debt. But Mama omba borrows almost everything, from salt to used weaves from her BFF in the plot to go for a function.

We haven’t mentioned money borrowed during the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, besides that small matter of borrowing cooked kales from Mama ‘Kadosi.’

6.Mama kila kitu

She owns all clotheslines and all the debes when there’s water shortage, besides the pipe for fetching water. She puffs like a python each time someone borrows or uses those items without her permission.

7.Mama snoopy

Her head is permanently in her window with her elbows painfully supported by the concrete ledge. She needs a better view of who is coming. She marks the car number plates, models and bites her fingers when she can’t get a clear view. Somebody get Mama snoopy a telescope please!

8.Mama gawa

Neighbors have lost count of the men Mama gawa brings around and even fewer count of the number of times they have collided and fought Wanjala the ‘soldier’ at the gate.

9.Mama caretaker ‘mwitu’

In plots without caretakers, you will find this breed, yet no one assigned them the job of locking the gate or making bogus rules about how many people should have keys to the gate. The landlord doesn’t even have any idea that these people are making tenants miserable.

10. Mama kelele

Every weekend, mama kelele converts the whole plot into a club comprising low-life woofers. Try asking her to turn down the volume...