When spoilt kids ruin relationships, wreck marriages and annoy guests

When James Anyanzwa began dating Irene*, his ex-girlfriend, he didn’t know her kid would later break their relationship. James says Irene was one of the best women he ever met; lovely, warm personality, great cook, lover etcetera. Unfortunately, Anyanzwa  just couldn’t stand her spoilt five-year-old son.

“I tried my level best, but I just couldn’t stand the boy; he was a little monster straight from hell. I tried to become his friend by buying him a bike, video games and even assisting him do homework once in a while all in vain. The brat was disrespectful. He messed around with impunity,” says Anyanzwa.

MOTHERS TO BLAME?

He adds, “The boy would beat up his friends and run to hide in the house. Surprisingly, his mother would not touch him. She would casually brush it off and defend him.”

Anyanzwa says for the one and a half years they dated, he went through hell.

“The first time I tried to spank the boy, his mother gave me a dressing down. The boy is overly loved, and his mother never disciplines him. He became so disrespectful that I even feared quarreling him.

And when I did, I had to do it from a safe distance because he would throw a tantrum and deliberately spray saliva in my very angry face!” he recalls.

Anyanzwa says the boy would talk back, spit on him to express anger, yet his mother did nothing.

“There was a day he spat on me and yelled at me ‘you are not even my father’. The mother who was present downplayed it by simply saying ‘Just understand him, he is only a child. He doesn’t know what he is saying’,” he agonizes.

OVER LOVED, DEFENDED

He says the relationship came to an end when he openly began referring to the boy as a ‘spoilt brat’ and pointed out that he needed therapy.

The mother felt insulted and came up with trivialities as excuses to end the relationship, which, Anyanzwa says, was good riddance to him.

Interestingly, Irene’s brat is not alone. He is in great company. Tales have been reported of parents who storm neighbors’ homes, spitting fire and brimstone just because their neighbours have reined in their spoilt brats.

In most cases, women in general — not just single mothers — are accused of being responsible for this bad behavior in children. Allegedly, mothers ‘over love’ and defend such children.

They take it personally when someone points out that their children are ill-mannered.

WRECK MARRIAGE

Reports abound of how brats have wrecked marriages. Hamza Kubanda had to beat a hasty retreat and resolve a marriage he had with a woman who had two grown up brats who had no respect for him. “My step children would scoff at me, talk back. I could not stand the open defiance in that house. The two girls openly accused me of preying on their mother and their late father’s money. I left,” whines Kubanda.  

Paul Kogi, a city businessman, narrates his ordeal at the hands of a spoilt brat. He says he once visited a friend whose child was so ill-mannered that he kept interrupting their conversations without his parents seeing it as a problem.

FEARFUL PARENTS

“I was so shocked when he asked that we take a walk to the balcony, just because his kid wanted to enjoy his loud music in peace. What cheek! There are strange parents out here. Gone are the days when children would respectfully leave the living room when grown-ups are conversing.

“Surprisingly, when I asked my host why he couldn’t ask the boy to turn down the volume, he defended him by saying he is used to it, and feared the boy would throw a tantrum,” explains a furious Kogi.

When Shirley Aketch found money missing from her purse, it never occurred to her that her visiting nephew had anything to do with it.

It wasn’t until one day when she caught him red-handed, ransacking her handbag, that she realized he was a thief.

RUMMAGE GUESTS’ BAGS

“Whenever my sister’s son came visiting, he was all over my house. The boy would rummage through my personal belongings and being the ‘nice’ aunt that I am, all I did was warm him against it. I never wanted to annoy his mother who always defended him. But one day I caught the boy stealing from my handbag. I couldn’t believe it. As usual, his mother did nothing, apart from telling him rather indifferently, never to repeat it again,” says Aketch.

YELLING & TANTRUMS

“I beat up his child after he ruined my phone by throwing it in water. What’s more, the boy had developed a habit of ‘making mistakes’ and getting away with them. I recall one day while resting on the couch during a visit there, the boy, picked up a sharp pencil and began pricking my backside because I told him he has bad manners. I was so worked up because besides it being very painful, I expected his parents to discipline him and warn him against it. But he kept doing it, again and again. All his parents said was ‘stop it daddy, don’t do that to Uncle’,” Muchiri explains.

He adds: “I remember telling them the boy would get out of hand and that they needed to rein him in, but they ignored me, and claimed I had something personal again their kid.” This was six years ago. Muchiri says the relative has never spoken to him again.

Together with his wife, the relative believes Muchiri is a ‘sadist’. “Another relative told me the couple believe I am a sadist who ‘hates other people’s children’,” says Muchiri.

There are those children as well, who have powerful lungs and do not mind using them even when it is not necessary. Anytime they are warned against something, they immediately start throwing tantrums and yelling at the top of their voices.

A reader of this publication recently had a first-hand experience with her friend’s daughter, an unpalatable experience she is yet to recover from.

“Her 8-year-old daughter held the remote control hostage, as well as her parents’ phones. Anytime she was asked for the remote controls, she would respond with loud screams as if she had just been hit. So the mother, in a bid to maintain peace in the house, surrendered the fight and the girl had a field day switching from one channel to the other!” she says.

KING’S RANSOM

“It was humiliating, to say the least. The country was in mourning over the terror attack in Garissa and she wanted to follow the unfolding events,” she adds.

Her host told her to follow it on social media, all because her daughter would throw a tantrum every time someone asked for the remote control. She thought it was a joke, only to realize that, indeed, the girl’s mother meant it. Apparently, she didn’t want to rattle the brat because, she said, “she was not ready for a tantrum”.

Experts warn that this behavior if unchecked, will result in socially maladjusted children. Wandia Maina, a psychology lecturer at Kenyatta University and a counseling psychologist, says children have different temperaments and parents must be quick to note this strange behavior early.

EXPERT ADVICE

“First time parents tend to be lenient and overly pamper their children, especially if they are the only ones. Parents are advised to instill discipline early,” says Maina.

She says, “Children learn a lot by observation. If parents happen to be spoilt, violent and verbally combative themselves, children are likely to pick this from them.

The busy schedules most parents have leave them only weekends to bond with their children. During this short time, most parents don’t want to be seen as mean; they are desperate to come off as nice, in the process, disciplining their kids is the last thing they want.”

Wandia advises parents of spoilt children to take them out for outdoor activities that involve working off excess energy.

“Parents with spoilt, aggressive children need to involve them in energy-sapping sports such as throwing and kicking a ball. Rewarding bad behavior should also be discouraged. Parents encourage this behavior in many ways, for instance, when a brat throws a tantrum, and forces things to be done on their terms without any opposition from their parents. Parents should not encourage debate and arguments with kids. Instead, rules must be laid down and followed to the letter,” she concludes.