How my dream wedding went up in smoke

Dear Babu Owino,

I am not a comrade so please do not tell me to shout “Riaaaaaaah” before addressing you. Babu, I know how hard working you are. In fact, I am tempted to believe that is the reason you will win the SONU elections until you become Babu by title and not by name.

Those people who are yelling at you and calling you names should stop because in you I see a leader who can build walls taller than those of Babylon all around your campus. That way, you can riot all you want within your campus without wrecking havoc in our lives.

Babu, because of you, I am still single and searching. Wait, no, I am not searching; I am still single and gambling. You remember that day when your fellow comrades decided to flood the streets of Nairobi shouting Riaaaaaaah? Well, they stoned my significant other’s car who was peacefully driving past them.

Well, I am not even worried about the windscreen of his Subaru that collapsed on his laps when your fellows gave it a high five using a huge block. What I am worried about is what they took from the passenger seat of his car. Babu, please tell your fellow comrades that I want my engagement ring back! Because of you, I was stood up on the very day that he was going to propose.

Don’t ask me how I got to know about it. Blame my close friends who cannot keep a secret. Yes, they leaked the surprise way before the day and I had planned to act surprised immediately my man popped the question. In fact, I had dressed to kill, and then you happened!

Babu you know very well the ratio of men to women in Kenya at the moment, yet you still allowed your fellows to take off with my ring. Who do you want me to get married to? Those people shouting Riaaaaaaah? No Babu No! I do not want a husband who will be shouting Riaaaah anytime he wants to make his point clear. Now my man is seated somewhere with his ‘boys’ imagining that the loss of the ring was a sign that I am not a wife material!

He thinks God was giving him a sign not to marry me. Owino, do you know how many times I have overworked my poor back even during the equinox just to ensure this man sees a wife in me? Are you even aware I am the one who scrubbed that Subaru sparkling clean that morning considering it would be bearing the words ‘Just engaged’ later that evening? Babu, if I do not get married by this man you will not win the next elections. In fact, I will personally come to contest against you and trust me, I can also shout Riaaaaah!

Why oooh why do you want to make my life difficult in this city in the sun? You make me inhale teargas whenever you wish, you bring the town to a standstill and cause us serious damages apart from stealing from us. You have now graduated to destabilising our relationships! Babu you don’t know the amount of bundles I used in online dating in order hit my jackpot!

Mine was headed for a big Cinderella wedding with those gowns that keep people one metre away! If you care about your seat Babu, kindly ensure my engagement ring finds its home which translates to my finger. Kindly let me know the next time you people are planning to riot so that I drive past your campus in his Subaru. I know I am not alone in this, many people lost various items and some were even hurt.

We will be waiting for you in the streets the next time you riot, not to run away from you but to slap some sense into you. Remember, we also know how to shout Riaaaaah. You people are a disgrace to the animal kingdom assuming you evolved from apes, Zinjanthropus the nut cracker to be precise! Babu I want my ring..........and my man.................and my wedding! Keep your riots within your boundaries.