Corporate is the new sexy

We live in the corporate era. We eat, drink, dress and even dance corporate. Our talks, mannerisms and weddings are all corporate. We have corporate wives and friends. Corporate parties and dinners are a permanent fixture in our lives.

No wonder even the clubbing culture is increasingly going corporate with clubs in Nairobi targeting a certain clientèle that can ensure business. I believe they are out to lock out college students who have the mysterious ability to dance the whole night on a single beer. Or those who drink cheap liquor elsewhere and come to crowd the dance floor.

Corporate is the new sexy. The senior corporate citizens must be marvelling at the sheer animal magnetism and dynamism with which the young take to the corporate world, like fish to water. It is with this notion that many progressive young single men are increasingly styling up and going for a woman who can live up to the expectations of their corporate friends. While they have many girlfriends, not everyone can merit the corporate expectations for a good girlfriend.

A good corporate image is everything. In the corporate circles, everything works out like a perfectly scripted play. Everyone behaves strictly within an unwritten code of conduct that often demands one to skip they buffet at a party and hold fast to their mineral water bottles they are starving, literary.

Enter the corporate girlfriend idea. Three things are key in making one a good corporate girlfriend; proper dressing, good manners and a decent education background (in that order).

Proper dressing tops the list for a reason. Image is everything. Nice corporate suits, with knee-length professional skirts that expose golden thighs can add spice to the stodgy corporate life. If in pants, they ought to be decent in a manner befitting the working environment of an office. No indecent exposure of the cleavage, no outrageously short miniskirts, not too much make-up, no bad hairstyles. Drop the locks (or clean them up). The corporate arena is no ground for activism. Such looks only make one question the known defiance or sexual orientation of such women. Even those with feline looks, it pays to be subtly feminine. Nothing sells so much.

When it comes to mannerisms, tacky behaviour has no room or chance in the corporate world. Everything is strictly formal and professional, sometimes to a fault. The Eastlands mentality of settling duels with cat-fights or the solemn belief that loud arguments help resolve conflicts faster is too 'ghetto' for the corporate community. No man wants to be caught with such women, either privately or publicly.

Finally, a decent education, preferably a university degree is the icing on the cake. Having a grasp of worldly matters, geography, information and technology can earn one suitable accolades. Nothing baffles corporate male friends so much like a dumb remark. It is inexcusable, unforgivable and punishable by permanent ridicule from peers.

So what woman cannot merit being a corporate girlfriend? For one, if the wardrobe had more jeans pants than any other piece of dressing. Two, if at 29, you still have this funny tattoo below your navel or above your butt that you feel compelled to expose. Three, if you don't know at least four brands of wine and when to have each. Fourth, if you suffer from the herd mentality and you have to drag all your friends from kindergarten for a date of pizza. Fifth, if you apply make-up in public and you see no problem.

Other sins include; belief that it is men who have to provide even for your sanitary pads. And finally if when you drink, you throw up and become abusive and the following day, you have no recollection of dancing on top of the table naked.

@nyanchwani

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Photo: dailymail.co.uk