The three Cs in conflict resolution

Each couple has strengths and weaknesses that can make or break a relationship.

In premarital counselling sessions, I emphasise that couples must take an audit of their strengths as well as weaknesses.

In some cases, one needs to work on some weaknesses, in others, the strengths of the other partner can complement.

Gender differences, can also be a source of perpetual conflicts and fights in relationships.

Competition

To some, their spouse is someone to beat in the game of life. This could be out of sheer pleasure you are earning more than him/her, have a bigger bonus and so forth.

Conflict is also sparked off if one of the partners has a domineering personality, are result oriented and thus want to control their partner.

If you marry someone who is spontaneous, fun loving with no sense of deadlines, it might affect you if you are the opposite. The pressure on the relationship as well as conflict will arise when that deadline is not met like paying the bills.

Naturally in relationships, we project our strengths on our partners, expecting them to be good in things that we do without a struggle. What we don’t realise is that it may take effort, discipline for the other party to come into our strength zone leading to tension. The tension need not lead to a conflict perpetuated relationship. That is why there should be open communication from the onset. Couples must see beyond the bliss and intentionally appreciate each other’s differences as a foundation for managing the relationship.

Way forward

What are the things you find as your strengths?

How can this help the relationship?

Compromise

If you are authentic in a relationship, you will trigger or encounter conflict. When two couples argue or fight, there is the issue at hand, their personality differences and perspectives at play.

Have some ground rules for managing conflicts such as never react when the emotions are high, agree to deal with the issue at a certain time when both of you are sober, have a time out when no word is spoken, when you agree to talk about the issue, listen first.

Compromise is not about who wins. If there is a winner, then we also have a loser. And who can be happy living with a loser or feeling like a looser?

Failure to work out the relationship on middle grounds is the surest way of perpetuating the cycle of discontent in the relationship.

In compromise, couples disagree, agree, or agree to disagree on mutual grounds. My rule is –don’t let the sun go down on your anger.

Cooperation

In the Holy Writ, relationships are designed for companionship and completeness. The two become one.

Happiness is when two people in love work out their differences the same way a winning team does.

Look at your strengths and weaknesses as assets and ask yourself: How can you relate to win? There are many times you will choose to love, no matter the season because by so doing, you have a second chance to live together.

Photo: wifeyntraining.net

The writer is an author, marriage and relationships counsellor, you can reach her on Facebook: Sheila A. Wachira or [email protected]