Healing daddy-daughter wounds

There is a lot of literature around father-son wounds, may be because fathers play a critical role in shaping the masculine soul of the sons.

Each time the word ‘fathering’ is mentioned, what comes to mind is the growing of sons, the transformation of boys to responsible men.

 But equally important is the father-daughter relationship, which if managed well, the interaction has positive influence on the feminine soul. A number of our daughters, young and old also carry in them father wounds afflicted on them due to a number of reasons.

 These wounds are emotional scars resulting from absence of the father, abuse, death of the dad while the girl is young, divorce , father leaving or deserting home, passivity and absenteeism by the dad. The relationship to the father is key to the woman because it is her first male relationship.

This relationship can form the basis upon which future male relationships are judged. Affection, self-worth, trust, protection and leadership are conferred by fathers. That hug after a hard days work, all notes to your daughter saying ‘I am proud of you’, ‘you are fearfully and wonderfully made’ may mean a lot to her. Remember that our basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, security and so forth are important for survival but one need we cannot do without is relationships.

The need to love and be loved is inherent in man. God created us with a capacity to give and receive love and have healthy relationships and these are early lessons that fathers must teach their daughters.

However, some father-daughter relationships have gone wrong because social boundaries were not kept. Sexual abuse by fathers results in fear, mistrust, anger and low self-esteem in women. It may be a challenge to trust your boyfriend or husband unless that past experience has been healed.

I also reckon we have single parent households, mothers who must perform both roles and we celebrate them. However, it’s important to identify ‘father figures’ within the family or church who can provide direction and create a connection with masculinity.

The ‘father vacuum’ has to be filled otherwise, young girls may engage in illicit sex as a way of validating their worth. If the vacuum persists, it may follow girls into marriage where they expect the husbands to play father role and hence, behave as adult children.

Usually, we project unmet needs during our childhood onto our adult relationships. So next time you have a fight with your husband, ask yourselves “Am I dealing with the current issue or is there something in my past about my relationship with my father that I have not dealt with?”

THE WAY FORWARD

Healing the father-daughter wounds is possible but it’s a process: identify the hurt, the fear, disappointment around the ‘father issue’, forgive and release, open your heart to instructions from God’s word or a professional counsellor. If facing your dad is an option, do it, but with respect.

The writer is an author, a marriage and relationship counsellor and a Link leader at NLC.