Open letter to Baba Watoto

All protocols observed, on the stage is Beryl Wanga Itindi from Attention Seekers Group of Schools ready to present to you a poem entitled, Why did you answer me?

My man, my husband, my sweetheart, your memory must be limited. How could you even send your representative (Tony M) to talk about my ‘Kusema na Kutenda’ T-shirt without mentioning its origin? You loved every bit of it when we were campaigning for your uncle in the village. You said it looked nice on me and could earn him some votes. When he won, you gave me a pat on my back and said “Si unaona hiyo shati iko na kissmart, trust it for any good results”. Why do you now talk about it with so much negative energy? Is it the reason your uncle stopped picking your calls? I trust it for any good results. That is why I have it on most evenings, but looks like it doesn’t have the kissmart anymore, no wonder #TeamBeryl gets a walkover every time we have a football match off the pitch.

Did you just say I ooze mafuta after taking off my figure belt? Whoever is shipping in the Class One laptops should include one strong external memory disk while writing the budget. When is Father’s Day again? Someone needs to jog your memory, I just hate that it has to be me. Do you realise that if we were to part ways and give back to each other anything we did not come with to this union; I would walk out of this place sexier than you? The mafuta you say oozes from my tummy was brought about by you! Yes, through the baby I carried for you. When you took me from my parents, my boobs were gorgeous gadgets and not a fridge for the baby’s food. You are the reason I have that figure belt on every day, you are the reason I put on that wig because my hair falls off after breastfeeding, you are the reason I have to buy push up bras! What did you think I was? A photocopy machine that remains intact even after producing a million copies? Go back and think again before you put the word mafuta and my name in the same sentence.

Dinner in heels!

So now you seriously want me to serve you dinner in heels? Fine, I have no problem with that. I will do it as long as you also eat it in your tie, shoes and watch intact. Oops, before I forget, your shirt should be tucked in and coat on, do not dare loosen your belt. Do we have a deal or should we wait for Arsenal to win the league? I will also invest in a gym and a lingerie if you promise to be home every night on time to study your opponent do a warm up before the ‘off the pitch’ football match kicks off. It is always unfair to keep your opponents in the pitch armed with everything then fail to show up on time. Then after your opponents are given a walk over and they down their tools, you make a grand entrance into the pitch carrying your balls and thinking the opponents’ goalkeeper is ready to catch them! Sorry darling, not even a friendly match will do!

You want me to have my make-up on till you fall asleep? Baba watoto, go buy yourself some six-pack and never remove them until I die! Meanwhile, never answer a whining woman!

PS: If I there was a way I could give you back all the mafuta you have put in me, your role model would change to Yokozuna.  Thank you!

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