Why it isn't worth it to kill for infidelity

It was recently reported in the media that a senior banker was gunned down in Nairobi in a suspected love triangle. This is not a rare occurrence. Many similar incidences have happened all over the world. A scorned Texas man shot and killed his wife and then injured her lover when he busted the pair having sex.  In Florida, a 70-year-old man shot his wife’s lover when he found them making out in his own sitting room; never mind that he suffered erectile dysfunction and could not have sex with his 41-year-old wife. A 42-year-old man from Nalasopara, hurt by his wife’s alleged extra marital affairs, killed his two daughters and took his life, leaving behind a suicide note.

PASSION KILLING

It is not uncommon for lovers to murder those that threaten their relationships. The scenario of the murdered banker generated a lot of debate in the media and social circles. The question was simple; would you murder your partner’s lover or would you simply walk away?  Interestingly, both men and women confirmed that they wouldn’t hesitate and would kill without a second thought. Their justification was that the level of investment emotionally, physically and financial was too high to simply walk away. A number confessed of not only harbouring the thought, but actually paying for their execution. Some of the killers missed their target while others got greedy and wanted to ‘eat’ from both sides and informed the victim who paid them double the amount. Others changed their minds in the process.

Why would anyone want to end the life of an innocent person whose interest is only a relationship with a willing lover? If you have recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will feel a whole range of emotions — anger, disbelief, rage shock, devastation, disillusionment and intense sadness. You may have difficulty focusing on anything else other than your emotions and replaying the scenes in your mind, which is inevitable yet not helpful.

ANGER IS LETHAL

Understanding anger in all its forms and intensities can make a big difference in the ability to take a step back and process this powerful and complicated emotion. Anger can lead to irritation and frustration to uncontrollable rage. It is a reaction to a perceived threat to individuals, their loved ones, property and self-image or identify.  Anger can be as a result of external and internal influences. It can be expressed, suppressed, converted or redirected.  It could also be pathological anger, which is incoherent and compounded.

Anger that kills is dysfunctional and is known to have pathogenic effects. Most personality disorder persons are prone to anger.  It manifests only when the person’s defences are down, incapacitated, or adversely affected by circumstances, inner or external. In this case, it is the threat of losing a loved one to someone else.

No matter how angry you may be, it is not worth committing this crime and spending your entire life behind bars.  Nobody is worth it! The relationship is important but you are more important.

SOME TIPS:

It is helpful to acknowledge extreme anger, which is dysfunctional, and seek help before it takes control and destroys you and others.

• Take time out if necessary.

• Address the issues and whatever happens, do not spy on your spouse. Talk about your fears in a cordial manner and find ways to resolve issues.

• If the relationship is beyond repair, seek amicable ways of ending it.

• Be true to yourself and acknowledge dysfunctional behaviours.

• Seek the wisdom of a mentor, therapist or doctor. 

The writer is a relationship coach and author, Marriage Built to Last

You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke