Open secret about men for Beryl & co.

Dear Beryl Wanga Itindi,

I don’t know if it was beriberi, or the Wanga warrior woman spirit in you, or if you had just ‘tindid’ (Gusii for being in a state of intoxication) but your open letter to Lillian Muli last week must have made a lot of ladies very happy.

In it you urged them that, after looking their best at work, in high heels, swinging hips by force, expensive handbags and accessorised jewellery, they have earned the right by evening to let their hair down around the house. Literally.

By “leaving their wigs lying on the coffee table as we ask our last-borns to massage our feet, then go to the bathroom to put on a T-shirt and a lesso, then drop on our seats to catch the nine o’clock (weekday) bulletin, and just before it begins, our hubbies walk in, ready to give us all the attention …”

After this damning admission, you then went on to blame Lillian Muli, and presumably other TV anchors, for causing anticipated attention to wander from you, with their eye-catching outfits.

Itindi dear, or should I say Beryl babe in case you’re young, let me as a man who understands men give you a few blinding insights into the visual nature of the human male.

Kusema na kutenda t-shirt

Imagine you are me and you walk in at 9pm to find you, the lady of the house, feet stuck up on the coffee table, heels resting on your wig, as you torment our last-born with forced massage and pedicure.

That time, you are in your TNA T-shirt, oozing mafuta (because as you said you dropped the figure belt as soon as you came home) and that old lesso we got in Uganda during our honeymoon in 2004 AD. And you imagine I now want to give you attention?

Only in the optimistic sunshine of some random female mind. The reason that hubby is home on a weekday at 9pm, Beryl, is probably because he cannot stand the sight of that ‘Kusema na Kutenda’ T-shirt you love so much anymore. Sexy, it is not, signorita.

So he stays out at the local bar (damn alcoblow) till 9 pm In fact if I were the one, I’d only come home with the 11pm news bulletin on KTN.

Secretly, and ask any college lad this, guys do want you to serve them dinner in heels (to answer what you imagined was a rhetorical question, Madam Itindi).

Why do you think the damsels in blue movies never remove their stiletto heels, even in bed?

Okay, so this may be taking fantasy too far. But is it too much to ask that you invest in a gym and lingerie? That you get rid of your lesso and beloved ‘Seng’eng’e ni ngombe’ T-shirt from the year 2002?

That if you aren’t blessed with great flowing hair, you go the Lupita Nyong’o way or at least not keep it in matutas or looking like desert mesquite brush and random cacti?Is that a valid request?

Men like make-up, can you take it off only after we are soundly asleep, dear?

But although we love women in fishnet stockings, we would much prefer that they are clinging to your lower limbs, and not the top of your forehead?

Photo: faveimages.com

Yours truly,

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