My husband steals from me

By Nyambura Maina

My husband steals money from me. We have two children and are servicing a mortgage. My husband and I both have jobs and he has never intimated that he is in trouble financially. I used to blame the househelps for theft and fired three of them before realising my husband was the culprit. This is annoying for me and I have lost respect for him. I hide money in secret places and he still finds it. I wish he would come clean and tell me what the problem is instead of lying and wearing a brave face. Please help.

Roseline, K.

Healthy marriages are based on openness, trust and commitment. Financial matters are very sensitive within marriage. Rules and boundaries need to be clear to avoid complications. Some would say that having two-income families where both husband and wife bring home their pay has brought more problems than solutions. Having just the husband as breadwinner seemed simpler because decision-making was the man’s domain. Today, we experience a different reality.

As a family you have financial obligations that you must meet. Budgeting for different needs is essential if things are to be kept in order. Putting money aside for different purposes should be discussed as you plan for the future of the family. It is also important to understand each other’s values as concerns money.

Many times the spending habits of spouses and their attitude to wealth differ drastically and this leads to conflict. This causes some individuals to hide money matters from their spouses.

Your husband has chosen not to include you in his decision to use the money you have kept aside. This action in itself may sabotage the bond of trust that you have. The fact that you have been hiding money for quite a while shows that the bond was already weak. It is time to stop hiding money and face the issue head on with your husband. Communicate your disappointment in his actions and be ready to understand his side of the story. The expectations that you both have about money, sharing of responsibilities and how to cope when the budget is lean ought to be discussed in depth to deflect any more misunderstandings.

The home is a communal place and hiding things there can backfire on you because different people, including your children, have access to every room in the house. Therefore, in future if you need to put aside some money, you may want to consider other places such as the bank or chama.

Common counsel

Set up a trap

Your husband watched as three innocent house helps lost their jobs because of him. This has not fazed him one bit since he continues to steal from you. He sounds like a man who is irresponsible and unable to face reality. You need to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. Set up a trap for him. For example, hide an envelope stuffed with small notes or currency of low value from another country. This will teach him a lesson.

Faiza, A.

Male logic

Your man lacks the courage to tell you that he is doing badly. He must have thought that he could fix the problem by stealing once but found he had to go back for more. Men conceal their problems from their wives because, as heads of the family, they should be able to solve things and need not worry their wives unnecessarily. Give him the benefit of the doubt and he will solve the problem and put things right again.

Barasa, B.

Treasure hunt

I once dated a man who would go through my things when I was not in the house. I used to hide money all over the house in what I believed were good hiding places. Obviously he was very thorough in his search because he found my treasure every time. He would use the money to boost his image socially. I had to end things between us because I no longer trusted him. If your husband is doing the same, this is dangerous and could jeopardise your marriage.

Betty, 37

Put pride aside

What your husband is doing is wrong. Spouses need to discuss finances together. In times of trouble the wise counsel of a wife can help matters a lot.

These are no longer the days where our fathers kept our mothers in the dark about money matters. Nowadays wives are smart about investing and that is why banks are actively looking for them as customers. Your husband should put aside his ego and plan a better way forward with you in the picture.

Julius, M.

Reveal all

Why do you need to hide money in your own house? As a married couple you should share everything with your spouse. Maybe he got upset when he found your secret money and wondered what else you might be hiding. Emergency money can be kept in the house but your husband needs to be aware of this. He has decided to punish you by taking the money and allowing you to fire the househelps. When you stop doing things behind his back you will find things will go smoother.

Shadrack, N.

Avail loose change

Open a saving account for yourself as soon as possible. Next, keep loose change in a specific place and let your husband know about this communal money.

That way, if he needs money for bus fare he can help himself. If he needs more money from you, he can ask you politely.

Kamuyu Ingawa

End cat and mouse game

If you wait until the weather is just right, you will never plant or harvest anything. Financial problems are common between spouses.

It is clear both of you are servicing a mortgage and your husband is aware stealing your money shows disregard for you. However, take charge and communicate with your husband. If you have enough evidence your husband is the culprit, approach him and let him admit it.

Then talk over the problem. Keeping quiet and waiting for the opportune moment isn’t the solution. If anything comes out of it, accept it for the better or worse of your relationship. Otherwise, the cat and mice game can continue forever.

Gibson, Nandi Hills.

Where does he take the money?

The cause of your problem is the lack of openness in your marriage. You are not open to each other. In order to arrive at a solution, you need to know what causes your husband to steal the money instead of asking you for some.

You also need to know where he takes the money if it is not for the welfare of the family? Once you get some answers, lovingly share your feelings with him over the issue. Speak your mind and he will understand and change.

Onesmus Kyalo