Confessions: Why can't I get my husband's cheating out of my mind?

Hello,

I’ve been with my husband since we were 19. We’re both 35 now and have two children.

Things are actually great now, although they weren’t always and we went through a very rocky period in our 20s when he cheated with several women.

I think it was the pressure of being a young dad and feeling as if he had to join in with what his single mates were doing – clubbing, drinking and hooking up with women.

It was like he had something to prove to himself and to them.

We managed to get through it and now he couldn’t be more different – he is a brilliant dad, a great husband and we’re best friends and soulmates again.

But now I seem to want to sabotage all that because I keep thinking about the past and what he did, and feel very insecure and quite angry.

I keep asking myself if I did anything to make him stray. I’m ashamed to say I’ve checked his phone and computer, but not found anything incriminating.

And I constantly worry about whether he still finds me attractive after all these years and if it’s just a matter of time before he cheats again.

I just wish I could let go of the past and trust him completely. Things are good, so why do I feel like this?

Any advice?

Dear,

I think because things are so good, you’re terrified of something coming along and blowing it all out of the water.

You’ve got a lot to lose.

It sounds to me as if he’s really got himself together and is in a good place, but perhaps you still don’t feel you got the answers you needed when you found out about his cheating.

Maybe that’s what’s bugging you and making you feel insecure.

Talk to him and admit how you’re feeling – you don’t have to be confrontational, but it’s OK to explain that you feel insecure and worry about ending up in the same situation as before.

Hopefully, it’ll open a dialogue and he’ll be able to reassure you and answer any questions that are still nagging you.

But please don’t blame yourself for your husband’s cheating.

My first husband cheated on me and I blamed myself, but it was nothing to do with me, and your husband’s cheating was nothing to do with you either – he’s responsible for it.

It might be a good idea to have some relationship therapy to talk about that crisis point in your marriage and why it happened, and then move on from it.

If you decide to forgive someone and stay in the relationship, then you can’t keep raking up the past or your relationship won’t stand a chance.