President Uhuru Kenyatta, in a moment of candid honesty, admitted that Kenyans are very good thieves. This is true. Kenyans will steal, not because they need the items, but just because you left them where they can easily pick them without being seen.
This is probably why public toilets - including the ones in our universities - have no tissue papers for those with ‘long drop’ issues. But there are some businesses which Kenyans would rarely steal from, like house help bureaus for instance. Here are 10 businesses in which your ‘investment’ will be literally ‘burglar proof’:
1. Funeral homes
While we have heard stories of self-confessed grave robbers who steal expensive coffins, there are no records of funeral homes ever having been broken into and anything stolen, least of all, the stiffs inside. The reasons are obvious, and if you draw a winning card at a lottery, then the best place to invest in should be a morgue - where the thieves will be brought after being gunned down.
2. Waganga ‘offices’
Kenyans believe in witchcraft. They fear witchdoctors. No one can dare break into a witchdoctor’s house for fear of stumbling on unthinkable items like maziwa ya kuku, mayai ya ng’ombe, pembe ya punda na kadhalika, stuff which when tampered with could make a burglar suddenly start craving for grass like a mbuzi, while speaking in tongues and crawling on all fours.
When University of Nairobi students riot, they loot shops in the CBD and supermarkets where they steal bread and milk. But curiously, no single bookshop has ever been looted by the students. It was the same case during the 2007 post-election violence, when looters broke into shoe shops and made away with mismatched pairs on display. But the nearby bookshops, with glass doors were left intact despite the violence having broken out when schools were about to reopen. Indeed, Kenyans don’t read beyond preparing for exams with Mwakenya.
4. Pig farms
Nairobians turn up their noses at the idea of investing in a piggery. And while it’s common for hundreds of cattle to disappear overnight during rustling sprees, few thieves have ever dared to steal pigs! If you have loot to hide, invest in pig farming!
A Kenyan garage is where good cars go to rot. Apart from stripping bare abandoned jalopies, which the mechanics themselves do, what else is there to steal in a garage. Besides, the 10-tonne toolbox is a safe unto itself.
6. Lingerie shops
As much as Kenyans are so much into romance and matters sex, with some confessing a fetish for female undies, no one has ever broken into a lingerie shop.
No self-respecting kauzi can raid a brothel. The only readily available stuff there is sex! Very few battle-hardened burglars know where high-end brothels are located in leafy suburbs.
8. AFCO stores
The Armed Forces Canteen Organisation (AFCO) stores have nearly everything one would want and at almost half the price. But all of them are inside military barracks. Now, who in his right mind can dare tupa mawe kwa kambiya jeshi?
9. Garbage collection
Some garbage collectors even leave their stuff overnight in public places, but no one can dare steal their smelly tools of trade. Have you checked their trucks? Even traffic cops just let them gas away in a billow of fumes!
10. Busaa dens
Thirsty thieve break into bars, wines and spirits stores and even chang’aa shebeens. But have you ever heard of any burglar making away with 1,000 mitungi ya busaa?