It is the wedding season, and there are many men right now cracking their heads, losing sleep and stressed to the bone about the November D-day. The budget is Sh1.2 million. Available funds: Sh250,000, and the wedding committee is not doing much besides sleeping with each other and calling for meetings that do not yield much.

As expected, the woman is heaping all the pressure on you, demanding that her wedding must be better than all her five best friends’ who all topped a million plus budget. She is hysterical. The other day, after arguing for 13 straight nights, she settled for a wedding dress worth Sh188,000, but she hates it. She dreams of a honeymoon in Hawaii, or somewhere more remote in the Pacific, should any of her friends beat her to Hawaii.

She demanded a diamond engagement ring worth tens of thousands of shillings and you are now wondering where the money for all her endless demands is going to come from. You are setting yourself up for a likely divorce if you want to fund a wedding with debts. Avoid them; they are cancerous.

Look man, be real. Don’t travel that ruinous road of debts to fulfill your future wife’s need to outdo her best friends’ weddings. Now, I have an easy formula to cut the wedding costs to nil. It is foolproof. It is scientific. And you can kill two birds with one stone.

It is simple: Impregnate her. This is sadistic, unchristian, cruel, stupid, inconsiderate, but it is way cheaper than a senseless wedding. Many wise men who know this have escaped the scandalously overpriced weddings and have gone on to live happily ever after.

By knocking her up, you achieve two important things, namely, you considerably reduce the cost of her dowry (the father can keep her if he wants and raise the grandson or accept what you want to give); secondly, all the wedding plans will have to be put on hold. And trust me, as soon as she is a mother, the last thing on her mind will be a wedding. Of course she will grumble for the next 71 years you will be together, but it is nothing a tot of whisky will not numb away.

I know at least five men who short-circuited their wedding plans and saved everyone that eventual call-up to a wedding committee. They are my heroes. Initially, their women underwent denial, cried late into the night and exiled themselves. They told the women that they may not give them the wedding, but will always be there for them and the baby, and that the door is open for marriage. In any case, things always work out.

I find this arrangement better than wedding and going on a honeymoon only to return to a life of repaying debts left, right and centre and putting a strain on your marriage.

So guys, if your wedding is more than two months away, get busy. Save for the child, not the wedding. She will survive, trust me. She will hate you, despise you even. But even as you deny her a wedding, lavish her with other things once she is pregnant and accepted that there will never be a wedding. Over time, she will grow to know that a wedding is just that: a wedding. Parental responsibility will change her priorities in life.

@nyanchwani

[email protected]